Contradictions

Carpe Diem, but good things come to those who wait.  Don't be afraid to tell someone how you feel, but hold your feelings inside and don't give away too much.  In this day and age, it's okay to ask a guy out.  Make the guy chase you.  Be yourself, but only in certain circumstances. 

Life is full of contradictions.  One friend will tell me something, and another, the complete opposite.  And since I love and respect all the people I let into my life, I take what they say into serious consideration.  As one can imagine, sometimes, my head feels like it is going to explode.   

If you don't want to read about my pity-party, or hear me rant and complain, I suggest you hit the little "x" in the upper-right hand corner.  Consider yourself warned.

I'm tired, damn it.  I'm lonely.  I'm impatient.  I want someone to tell me what is wrong with me (although that is a loaded question).  It's a struggle, because my heart knows that there is a reason I'm still single, but my head cannot figure out why. 

It's tough being a single parent.  Real tough.  And by no means, am I saying I want to find someone so I can have a dad for Piper - just to be clear.  But, jeez.  For example, I've been sick for a couple of days now, and trying to take care of a hyper four-year old alone while running a fever is not exactly fun. 

And then, I seem to run across articles or conversations emphasizing the importance of a father figure in children's lives.  Well, hell!  I had Piper while I was married, but her dad was the one that ran away, and now I have society shaking her finger at me!?  I don't want Piper's version of a father-figure to be a liar and a cheater.  Frustrating!  Thankfully, I have a wonderful father that has been a constant role-model in my daughter's life. 

I wish I could be super-mom, but the reality is I'm not.  And probably never will be.  Thanks to Pinterest, I am constantly reminded that I will never make sandwiches for Piper in the shape of animals.  I will never make my own pop-tarts.  If I cook a meal that doesn't burn, I consider it a success.  Cooking period is a success.  Being a single parent, you have to learn how to balance everything - time, money, emotions.  And it is a struggle! 

I need a nap.  And wine.

Time

Where did the time go?  And I don't mean in the rhetorical sense.  I mean, really, where did the time go?!?!

I look at my daughter, and I don't know when she went from being a helpless newborn to the adorable four-year-old she is now.  I know she hit all the milestones - eating solid foods, sleeping through the night, walking, talking, potty training - but it all happened so fast.  I know everyone says this, but really - it was just yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital!!

And then there's me.  I'm less than a year away from age 30, and I feel like my life has flown by me.  Was my high school graduation really more than a decade ago?  I finished college 7 years ago?  in the last 6 years, I have seen marriage, divorce, motherhood, home ownership - twice, joy, heartache, a snakebite, fear, loneliness, anger, new friends, old friends, faith and love.  All in 6 years.  I hope the next 6 will be a bit calmer for me. 

My dear friend referred me to an article about divorce and age.  And the author says that when one goes through divorce, he/she doesn't just lose a spouse, but his/her dreams and plans are lost too.  So true.  By 30, I thought I'd have 2.5 kids, a picket fence, and be taller.  Boy, was I wrong!!  That's why I pray, truly pray, for my future husband.  The half-empty part of me wants to throw her hands up and accept her fate as a spinster, but the half-full part of me is confident that God is taking this time to mold and prepare a mate who is worthy of me.  And I for him.  And as much as I feel like I am running out of time, I will hold off on collecting cats and buying those moo-moos -- for now. 

Matters of the heart

When I was pregnant with Piper, nearly FOUR* years ago, I was diagnosed with Pregnancy-Induced Hypertension. However, after I gave birth to my precious child, the "Pregnancy-Induced" Hypertension became "Chronic" Hypertension. And I have been on meds ever since.

According to Wikipedia, "[Hypertension] requires the heart to work harder than normal to circulate blood through the blood vessels."

Work harder than normal.

My heart has been through a lot in the last four years, and even more so in the last two. It has been abused, neglected and hurt, but it has also loved beyond measure. And it keeps on pumping. In fact, it has fought for the last two years and hasn't given up.

I went in for my semi-annual visit to the Cardiologist this week, and was relieved when my blood pressure reading was normal, and then some. So much so that the doc has lowered my meds. I feel like the wounds in my heart are healing and it doesn't have to work so hard anymore.

*Piper will be FOUR on March 11. I still cannot believe it. Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I've done the math to make sure she is really going to be FOUR YEARS OLD!!

Advice

Below is a list of repeated bits of advice that have begun to wear on my nerves (but no offense to those who give this advice):

1. Stop looking for love, and it will find you - This is my favorite one to hate. One day, am I just going to say, "to hell with love," and then Prince Charming is going to knock on my door?
   
   Of course there is always a part of me that dreams about finding Mr. Right. This doesn't mean that I'm desperately searching for someone. I'm not going to the bars every night, I haven't joined every online dating site there is.
   
   It means that I pray for love. I pray for my heart. I pray for my possible future husband's heart. And I pray that we will know, without a doubt, when we find each other. I was reminded yesterday of Ephesians 5: 22-33, which is a beautiful description of what marriage should be. And that's what I pray for.



2. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you - It boils down to self-esteem, which is admittedly a struggle for me at times. But, I think self-esteem ebbs and flows and is never ending.
   
   I am constantly trying to better myself, so this is an on-going process for me. Technically, I will never be completely satisfied with myself, but isn't this what keeps one motivated to be a better person? But, overall, I think I'm pretty awesome.
   


3. Everything happens for a reason - I will admit that I was once a firm believer in this phrase. I'm not so sure anymore. I believe some things happen for a reason, and sometimes, to quote Forrest Gump, "shit happens."
   
   Do I think God wanted my ex to have an affair? No. But, God gives us free-will and a brain. And my ex used his free will and brain to choose to cheat on me.
   
   And, through prayer, I chose to leave an unhealthy marriage. My thought is maybe God knew that my ex would never be faithful to me. That he was poison to me and he would always be an absent father to our daughter. And so He saved me from a lifetime of frustration and pain and freed me by giving me peace and comfort with my decision. And I am so thankful.
   


4. Your happiness does not depend on someone else - It doesn't, but I believe that my happiness would be enhanced with the right person.
   
   Companionship is one of our humanly needs. Like food, water and shelter. Take the movie Castaway, the main character created a friend out of a Wilson volleyball (I guess this is a Tom Hanks - themed post). And who didn't cry when Wilson was lost at sea?
   
   
   Obviously, I can make it on my own. I have essentially raised my daughter alone since she was born, I have lived on my own for more than two years, so I know I can make it alone. But, I am human, I am a woman, and I desire that adult interaction some days.
   
   It would be nice to come home and share my day with another adult. (However, it is quite adorable when Piper asks me "What did you do today?" at the dinner table.) When Piper is sick in the middle of the night, and I'm not sure what to do, it would be nice to have someone to consult.
   
   When the doctor office calls to remind me to get a follow-up ultrasound on my breast because of the "unknown mass" that was found a year ago (even though I told them that was my breast), and I avoid it like the plague because I'm scared of cancer that has been a wild tornado all around me, taking people left and right, I would like someone to hug me. I would like to have a Wilson in my life.
   


5. Get over it, and move on - The wounds that my ex left cut deep, and I doubt I will ever get over what he did.
   
   The pain his actions caused taught me some very tough lessons, but lessons I needed to learn. My divorce experience opened my eyes, made me stronger and keeps me grounded. After immersing myself into Momastery, she helped me realize that I am thankful I went through the pain I did, as horrific and terrible as it seemed at the time. For three reasons:
   
   1) If I felt indifference and apathy during my divorce, that would mean that I never really cared for my ex. It would mean that I spent 8 years with someone I didn't really love. It would mean that I had a child with someone I had no feelings for. I will never know his feelings on the matter, but I know now that those are his demons to fight, not mine.
   
   2) I am not quick to fall for someone. I am naive and lived a shelter life, so going through a divorce because of a cheating husband at the age of 27 was kind of a shock to me (and to my family). But, I learned the hard way not to believe everything everyone says. I have learned my worth, and I don't have to settle. My confidence has actually improved since the divorce.
   
   3) I learned I am not perfect. And that's OK. No one is. Hindsight is 20/20, and I can see that I wasn't perfect in my marriage (but I am no way justifying my cheating ex-husband.) But, I have learned the true meaning of "pick your battles," and "don't sweat the small stuff."
   
   I was talking to a friend about the imaginary (or maybe not so imaginary) list that most of us women have when it comes to qualities we want in a man. I told her that I don't think anyone will match my entire list, and she said, "no, but shoot for 90%."

On the other hand, here are some things I do like to hear:

1. "You're awesome"



2. "Your ex left you for her. What a dumbass."



3. "You're so much better off."



4. "You are going find someone so wonderful."



5. "Here's some wine."

Revelation

I cannot do everything.

It feels good to admit that.

I've tried, though. I have tried to do it all. But, I lost. Defeated. Like Bama beat LSU. Nearly 2 years after my life started over, and much trial and error, I am finally coming to grips with it all. I've settle into a house I can call my own. Piper and I finally have a routine. I am talking to God again. I am actually glad I'm not with my ex anymore. The dust is settling, and I am joyfully using my steam mop to clean away the remnants so my path will be clean and dust-free - just the way I like it. Though, I know there will be times that I may kick up the dirt, but nothing the Shark can't handle.

My friends Laurie (whom I want to be like when I grow up - she's talented, laid back and uses good grammar) and Paige (though briefly my legal "sister-in-law," she will always be a sister in my heart) introduced me to a new blog - Momastary. Sometimes people, things, events, or even blogs come into your life at God's precise moment. And so it is with this blog. It's real, encouraging and funny. Read it.

Let's be real

I tend to be very open and honest about my divorce, the events leading up to my divorce, and my feelings about the divorce. I've mentioned this before, but I do this because I hope I can help at least one person that may stumble upon this blog. I know those feelings of loneliness, confusion, anger and sadness. And I know that when I was able to talk to those that have been through the same storm as I have, I was reassured that I would survive.


More than a year later, I still fight numerous feelings on a daily basis. D's girlfriend has recently put her kids in the same daycare as Piper, and he was there picking them up one day last week and we awkwardly ran into each other.

This incident saddened me because how many times will Piper see her dad pick up other kids and not her? It angered me because I remember Piper being six weeks old and D was gone all weekend partying, while I was home alone with a newborn, but yet he is picking up his girlfriend's kids from school. Then, I felt proud because I realized how strong I am and how much I have done on my own. And then, I smiled because when Piper saw me, she excitedly said "Mommy pick me up!"

I feel the cookie-cutter emotions that most divorcees feel, "It's for the best." "I'm better off without him." "We weren't always unhappy." Etc., Etc., Etc.

I don't regret marrying him, and as time passes, my heart is healing. I want to keep a cordial relationship with him, because he is, and always will be, the father of my beautiful child. I have realized that the more I hold onto that unnecessary anger, the more it hurts me and holds me back from living my life. Moral of the story is I'm moving on, and it feels great.

There are times that I may fall a few steps backwards, which is to be expected. For instance, after some Facebooking and Pinteresting, I stumbled upon photos of "families" - mom, dad, children, and sometimes a dog. (I put "families" in quotations, because to me, it is a relative term - families come in all shapes and sizes.) But, I thought, anyone can smile for the camera, but it takes true happiness to smile when no one is looking.


Bedtime is a special time for me and Piper. It's when we calm down, talk about our day, maybe a tickle fight, laugh together, and say a prayer. It is a time that I just look at her and stare in amazement that she is my flesh and blood. Her adorable voice, her sparkling blue eyes, her soft blond curls - how did I get charged with such a beautiful child? The other night at bedtime, I was snuggling and talking with Piper, and she asked me "mommy, will you be my best friend?" - and that, my friends, is true happiness.

525,600 minutes

Who doesn't love a good Rent reference?

My divorce may have been final in June, but the drama started a year ago. Signing the divorce papers was just a formality. It was everything leading up to that final act that was horrible.

My now ex-husband's then-girlfriend told me about their affair last year the day before my birthday. I remember the sinking feeling I had when I found out. I remember being paralyzed with shock. I also remember thinking how I wished I could just fast-forward a year to get past all of the pain and stress...and now that I've hit that year mark, I can confidently say I am happy and it was well-worth the journey.

The last 525,600 moments of my life have been moments filled with pain, regret, confusion, anger - lots of anger, joy, drama, happiness, relief, sadness, confidence, depression, acceptance, denial. In the last 525,600 moments, I have rekindled friendships, turned men down, tried new foods, began to realize who I am, sold a house, lost 20 pounds and gained 10 back, moved into my very own place for the first time, seen my daughter grow another year.

As I reach my 28th birthday, there is a part (the woe-is-me part) of me that says, "What do I have to show for myself at 28?" And there is another part (the strong, independent part) that says let me tell you what I have - I have my self-esteem, a home, food on the table, a steady paycheck, health insurance, family, friends, and wisdom. And I don't have an unsupportive husband who emotionally abuses me, cheats, lies, and runs all over me. I am not in a one-sided relationship in which I am unhappy and lost. I now know what I want out of life, myself and a man. And most of all, I have my beautiful, caring, sweet, amazing daughter that brings more joy and happiness in my life than anything else.

The First Noel

Well, it was the first Christmas since my divorce, at least. It was a tough week. I shed some tears, had some anxiety and overall worried about the day. It would be the first year of many that involved switching houses and juggling different family functions. I can't help but think of that scene in Talladega Nights, when after finding out about their parents' divorce, the boys say "Yay! Two Christmases!"

I went to the Christmas Eve candlelight service at the church I grew up in, and it wasn't until about half-way through that I realized it was also the church I was married in. Cue the tears. Amidst my sorrow, I felt like I was suppose to be there. I sat next to my High School Sunday School teacher, and we briefly talked about my situation (i.e. divorce), and he reminded me that his first marriage didn't work out, but he "got lucky - no blessed- the second time." These words hung over my head all night. It was so reassuring to be reminded that I will be "blessed" with the perfect mate one day. I see how happy he and his wife are together and see how their daughters - I once babysat - have turned into beautiful, Christian young women. The peace I received from that conversation may have been the best Christmas present of the year, even better than my iPhone*!

Piper had a great Christmas, she received so many great gifts from all of her extended family. And most importantly, she was showered with love and hugs.






*I haven't had a new phone in 4 years, so I am more than excited about my iPhone!!

Good place

I almost feel like I am jinxing myself by saying that I am in a good place. But, I choose to embrace it and enjoy it. And it's not because I am dating anyone or I won the lottery or I found my affordable dream house. I am just in a good place because I am alive and doing well. I haven't forgotten the pain that my ex-husband caused. My wounds are still not completely healed, but I don't get so angry anymore. When I get in an argument with my ex, I am able to smile and brush it off, which is a great accomplishment for me.

However, my thoughts kept me up last night. Maybe it is the cooler weather and the Christmas atmosphere, but I realized I missed the idea of him. I thought about how when you're with someone for a certain amount of time, you become in-sync with him or her. When I was at a Christmas party on Saturday, I watched couples get their photos taken, and it was so cute to see how they posed so naturally. I remember having that with my ex; we could just snap into place right on cue. I remember that place on his chest where I could rest my head so comfortably. I remember how when I held his hand, it was like I was holding everything. Or how his hand fit perfectly on the small of my back. I believed everything about him was made for me and I for him.

Despite these thoughts, tears did not come, which is yet another significant step for me. Rather, I prayed for my future husband - that God not only mold his heart for mine, but He would also mold that spot on his chest where my head will fit perfectly. Oh, and I also prayed that God will put a neon sign on him that reads "To: Tricia; From: God."

Acceptance

I have accepted the fact that I am divorced. I have accepted that my ex-husband chose to walk away from his family. I have accepted that this is who he is and I don't deserve that. I have accepted that I cannot change my ex-husband nor his behavior. I have accepted that I will survive. I have accepted that I will meet someone someday. I have accepted that my life is not worth over-analyzing. I have accepted that I am a good person and worth loving. I have accepted that I will be the best parent I can be to my daughter. I have accepted that I will sign my Christmas card as "Tricia & Piper."

Progress

For anyone who knows me or for those few faithful readers of this blog, let me apologize in advance for sounding like a broken record.

Recovering from my divorce has been such a healing process. I am still mourning the death of my marriage, my family. There's ups and downs. "Ah-ha" moments and tearful moments. Happiness and anger. Relief and frustration. I have felt it all, and sometimes in the same day.

After my "eye-opening" day last week, which included several harsh, but much- appreciated, pep-talks from a few of my friends, I am standing a little taller. Which brings me to my latest step forward.

Last night, my mind started racing and thinking about my ex-husband. My chest, once again, started to ache. The fire of anger began to kindle in the pit of my stomach. How can anyone hurt someone he loves, or even half-way like, the way he hurt me? Why is he the family man with his girlfriend and her three kids instead of with us? What do they have that we don't?

As I reached for my phone to ask him for the millionth "How could you do this to me?," I put the phone down. There's nothing he can say that can un-do what he did. There's no right answer to that question. What's done is done. He's the one that has to live with what he did - I know that I was a wonderful, faithful wife to him. To quote Blair Waldorf said on Gossip Girl, "Once men have tasted caviar, it baffles me that they settle for catfish."

For the first time in a long time, I fell asleep quickly last night. And slept the whole night.

Debbie Downer

I've been trying to stay positive since my last post. I desperately try to focus on the good, but I have failed. I have fallen, what seems like miles, on the road I was forced to go down. Maybe it's because the holidays are coming up, and I know it's going to be brutal. Maybe it's because this time last year is when things started going downhill for Dusty and me. Maybe because in my master plan, Piper would be a big sister by now. Whatever the reason, I'm having a rough time.

I will admit I am still having a blast with my friends and regaining lost friendships, discovering who I am, and let me not forget that the Sooners are #1 as of now! So, it's not all bad, but there are some nights and days that get lonely. And I wouldn't mind going on a date sometime. Sometimes I get so angry because my ex-husband gets everything handed to him. He is being rewarded for bad behavior, while I am left standing in the dust of his decisions. And I don't know if anything could cure this anger, short of finding a time machine, but I think we are still a few years away from time travel.

I will stop here, because I don't want to have a pity-party for myself. And I know life isn't fair. Speaking of fair...it's fair time in Brazoria County! Look at this precious face that I get to see. She's mine, and that's nothing to be sad about!

Nothing vs. Everything

Since Dusty left me, I wanted to be able to wish him happiness and mean it. Because when you truly love someone, you want them to be happy. The initial shock and pain from his decisions hindered me from being able to see past the anger, jealousy and revenge I was feeling. Today, however, I told him that if all the pain I have experienced means he gets to be happy, then it makes a little more bearable - and I meant it. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it.

I sometimes fight depression, thinking that I have been left with nothing. My ex-husband left me and my daughter with nothing. He has everything - a new girlfriend, a new life, a new home, no responsibilities - and we have nothing. But, last night I realized I do have everything. I have my daughter, who is everything to me. I have a good job with benefits. I have an education (from the best school in the country, may I add - Boomer Sooners!). We live in a house that we can call our own, and we have food on the table every night. I have a supportive, wonderful family, and I couldn't ask for better friends. So, the lemons aren't so sour anymore.

Two choices

There was a note on Piper's backpack the other day when I picked her up from school requesting that I provide her teacher with a family picture for a project they are working on. My knee-jerk reaction was that of sadness, because it would just be a picture of me and Piper because our family no longer exists. But, then I found a great picture of me and my cutie at the beach, smiling and having a great time. Families come in all forms, and my family consists of me and my beautiful daughter, and it's a wonderful thing.

More times than I would like to admit, I get sad, feel sorry for myself, have a pity-party, cry, or think about all the ways I wish my life were different. But, I have two choices - I can let the sadness consume me and control my life or I can embrace what my life is and make the best of it. Make some lemonade out of all these lemons that have been thrown at me, if you will.

Instead of being sad at dinner because it is just me and Piper and I know my ex-husband, her father, is eating dinner with his new family, I will enjoy every minute of my one-on-one time with my daughter, because she will be grown before I know it. At bedtime, instead of crying into my pillow because no one is beside me, I will sleep in the middle of the bed. On Saturday mornings, I will cook breakfast and watch cartoons with Piper in our pajamas instead of wishing I could stay in bed and sleep the pain of loneliness away. When Piper is with her daddy, I will enjoy time with my friends, maybe go on a date and embrace single-hood instead of watching sad movies while drinking wine alone. Instead of thinking "How could he do this to me?," I will think "What a jerk. It's his loss." And when I want to feel sorry for myself because I am a single mom, I will be proud of myself for being a strong and independent woman and setting a great example for my young daughter.

I choose happiness.

Liar, liar, pants on fire

You know what bothers me the most about my divorce? It's the lies. I've lost count of how many lies Dusty has told me over the past year. I want to cry, scream and yell everytime I learn about another lie of his, but what good would it do? I believed him when he would take Piper out for a few hours on a weeknight to give me a break, and she come home in a a diaper that wasn't in her bag. He would say, "Oh, some woman was at the park and saw that I needed a diaper." LIE. When he would bring Piper home late on a Saturday, and she smelled like another woman, "Oh, it must be this new lotion I got." LIE. But at the time, I believed everything he said, maybe because I didn't want to face the truth or maybe because I really did believe him.

I don't know if Dusty will really truly understand the unconditional love I had for him. And it's not like I fell out of love with him, I was shoved. I had to stop loving him to protect myself from all the pain. I didn't completely stop loving him, because there will always be a broken piece of my heart that belongs to him. But if he really knew how I felt about him, if he only knew how many moments in my day were consumed by thinking about him, if he could trade one moment of my life with his own, I don't think he could've hurt me the way he did. I am convinced that he will never understand how I felt about him. The Dusty that I see now is a shell of the man I married. The man I married was my best friend, brutally honest but endearing. And I cannot believe how much he has changed.

God did not intend for half of all marriages to end in divorce. Marriage is a covenant. You don't vow "for better or until things get a little tough and I find someone else." I found the following verse that has helped me:

"Jesus said, 'Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hard heartedness, but it is not part of God's original plan. I'm holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery.'" Matthew 19: 8-9

I can tell that I have healed some over the past 6 months. Like I've mentioned, my heart is getting stronger and doesn't ache as often. There are times when I take one step forward and two steps back, but at least I am moving again and not standing still. And with healing, comes lessons learned and reflections.

First, I am slow to believe anything people say. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe not, but I just don't believe everything that's told to me anymore. Second, I don't think I will let myself fall in love so easily again. The downside to this is that I could miss something really great that is staring right at me. Third, I am a caretaker. I enjoy taking care of those I care about. I like buying gifts for my friends. I like doing those little things that can brighten someone's day. This is what I do, and there will be someone who appreciates that. Lastly, I am stronger than I thought.

Reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone

Last night, I was thinking about Dusty and his new girlfriend. The ink wasn't even dry on our divorce decree before they referred to each other as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." It just doesn't seem right, and it made my blood pressure rise.

But then, I got rational. Their relationship is the result of him cheating on me. I will never understand why or how he did what he did. But, I will admit he has stepped up his game as a father, and I am thankful Piper does have a good daddy.

It's going to take me a while to completely get over what he did because of my devotion to him. He was everything to me. My first love. He is the father of my child. But I know I will get there.

I like my life right now. I am having a blast, rekindling friendships I have lost because I shut the world out for the past four years so I could focus on making my marriage work. I forgot who I was. I was always trying to be who I thought he needed me to be. If I cooked more, cleaned more. If I lost weight, took better care of him, maybe that would make him love me again. But now I am realizing who I am, and you know what? And I'm likable, even lovable, just the way I am.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Time heals all wounds...

Or at least puts a band-aid on them. I can now think of Dusty without my heart literally aching. I don't lose my breath every time I see him anymore. But, I still hurt from what he's done. There will always be a scar on my heart from him.

These past few days I have been angry. I didn't want him to leave us, but he did, and now I am left sweeping up the pieces. IT'S NOT FAIR!! I don't care if 50% of marriages end in divorce, it doesn't make it right. Statistics mean shit to me. Did you know that there are only 7,000 venomous snake bites in America per year? There are more than 300 million people in the U.S., and I am one of the 7,000 that get bit by a snake. Obviously, statistics are not in my favor.

Every day is a new day, and every step forward is one more step in my path to healing. A super-wise friend of mine, who has been one of the greatest supports through all of this, told me this - "You will have your days but as long as you are moving forward and healing then you will get there."

Two steps back

I had a bad day yesterday. I wrote this blog entry in my head on my way to work this morning. Even as I type, I have a lump in my throat and my vision is blurry from the tears. I have tried not to be specific about my divorce on this blog, but I figured I don't have many readers, and plus this blog serves as a journal for me.

My now ex-husband left me more than seven months ago. Just up and left me and our daughter with no explanation. And then I found out about his infidelity. And it hurt. I understand why it is called a "broken heart." The first few weeks after finding out about Dusty, it felt like he reached in my chest, pulled my heart out and stomped on it right in front of me. There was an actual physical pain in my chest every time I thought about him, which was every waking moment. But, then I went into business mode and was able to pull myself together, sell my house, move, work all while taking care of my precious 2 year-old.

His decisions caused me to move me and my daughter out of our "home" that we built together. His choice has left me broken, confused, angry, hurt and relieved. I think back to all of my tears that fell on the alter of the church we went to. I had so many great friends and family pray for me, us, our marriage, our family. Why would our Heavenly Father allow this to happen? Before we even got engaged, Dusty and I prayed about it. We had sign after sign telling us it was suppose to happen. We had a long engagement, 20 months, and plenty of time to back out of it. But we didn't. We had a gorgeous wedding and vowed "for better or for worse" in front of God, family and friends. But, I realized this morning that all of my prayers, all of the prayers from my prayer-worriors were answered. God released me from a painful marriage.

I have known Dusty for 9 years now. We were together 8, married 4. He was my best friend. I let go of all of my defenses and completely trusted him. I gave him my heart and he became my second half. We created a beautiful daughter together. And then he betrayed me. I look at him now and I see a stranger. How will I ever trust someone again? His actions cut deeper than he realizes.

Every single logical cell in my body tells me that I don't want him. Every fiber of my being knows that our marriage was not good. But, my emotional side - not so much. Why would I want to give my heart to someone like that? It's because I truly loved him. And I don't regret a moment of loving him. I experienced what true love is, even it was brief, even if it hurt me. It is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all...

It may be a year, it may be five years, but I know I will look back on this time and be thankful.

Hello, Blogger.

My snakebite is almost completely healed. It's a little sore at times, but for the most part I am walking normally again - and staying out of tall grass at nighttime.

I'm sitting here, and thinking, I'm 27 and I have an "ex-husband." I just never thought I would say that, especially this young. I'm slowly adjusting to my new life as a single mom. There's good days and bad days. Sometimes the smallest things make me cry, like when one of the shows he use to watch records on the DVR because I forgot to erase it.

The pain from the divorce is subsiding, as well. Just like the snakebite, it still hurts sometimes, but it's like I'm learning what triggers the pain, on both accounts, and avoiding those things.

On a lighter note, me and Piper are having a great summer. Family time, beach trips, birthday parties - we have been busy.

It is what it is

My divorce was final on Thursday, and what an emotional marathon it has been. Sadness... anger... confusion... rejection...relief... I just never thought it would happen to me. Isn't that what everyone says, though?

I have been taught some of the toughest lessons over the past six months. I have learned that there are things I can't change, and no amount of anger will change those things. I have learned to appreciate every moment of every day with my daughter. I have learned that life is short and sometimes it's better to go to the beach instead of unpacking boxes. I have learned that the only person I can change is myself. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought.

It is what it is.