Time

Where did the time go?  And I don't mean in the rhetorical sense.  I mean, really, where did the time go?!?!

I look at my daughter, and I don't know when she went from being a helpless newborn to the adorable four-year-old she is now.  I know she hit all the milestones - eating solid foods, sleeping through the night, walking, talking, potty training - but it all happened so fast.  I know everyone says this, but really - it was just yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital!!

And then there's me.  I'm less than a year away from age 30, and I feel like my life has flown by me.  Was my high school graduation really more than a decade ago?  I finished college 7 years ago?  in the last 6 years, I have seen marriage, divorce, motherhood, home ownership - twice, joy, heartache, a snakebite, fear, loneliness, anger, new friends, old friends, faith and love.  All in 6 years.  I hope the next 6 will be a bit calmer for me. 

My dear friend referred me to an article about divorce and age.  And the author says that when one goes through divorce, he/she doesn't just lose a spouse, but his/her dreams and plans are lost too.  So true.  By 30, I thought I'd have 2.5 kids, a picket fence, and be taller.  Boy, was I wrong!!  That's why I pray, truly pray, for my future husband.  The half-empty part of me wants to throw her hands up and accept her fate as a spinster, but the half-full part of me is confident that God is taking this time to mold and prepare a mate who is worthy of me.  And I for him.  And as much as I feel like I am running out of time, I will hold off on collecting cats and buying those moo-moos -- for now. 

Internal Struggle

I am having an internal battle.  The romantic part of me is sitting patiently behind the wall the independent part has built, waiting for her knight to knock it down and bring her flowers.  Independent me tells Romantic me to shut up and continues to lay bricks, building the wall higher and higher.  Romantic me tells Independent me not to give up. 

I want to truly believe I am worthy of respect - because I am, but yet I seem to chase after those who treat me badly.  Why is that?!  Because I think I don't deserve to be treated well? Because I don't know any different? Because I'm scared of getting hurt?  Because I'm guarding my heart? 

My head says that I am ready for a real relationship, but my heart runs and hides at the thought of it.  It's all so confusing and overwhelming.  I think too much.  I need a good night's sleep. 

Alone v. Single

Without consciously knowing it, I have always considered "alone" and "single" interchangeable words. But they aren't.

I'm single, but I am NOT alone. I have my daughter who is my everything, my pride and joy, my legacy. I have my family who are always there for me and have seen me through some tough times. And, I also have my friends who are like family, who tell me like it is even when I don't want to hear it, and who fill my life with laughter.

There are pros and cons to being single. Yes, I may have some lonely moments, and there are times when I dread going to events and being the only single one there, but I know I am so blessed with all the people in my life. In fact, when I was married, I was more alone than I am today.

And I know that God hears my prayers every night, and He is preparing that special one for me. One who will find my quirks adorbs and not annoying. Someone who is compatible with my Type-A personality. Someone who encourages and supports me, and doesn't criticize. And someone who has prayed for me.

Me, Myself and I

March is a bittersweet month for me. My birthday and my daughter's birthday falls in the third month, but it also my would-be wedding anniversary and ironically, my divorcerary (totally made that word up, but I think it is going to catch on.) All of these milestones inevitably bring on self-reflection, self-pity and self-confidence each year.

My ex missed his daughter's birthday this year, because he and his girlfriend went on vacation or something. He called her the morning of her birthday, so it's not like he totally forgot, but he did give up time with her on that day to do other things. A friend of mine asked me, "doesn't it make you mad, that he goes on vacation with her, but never did with you?" And I confidently said "No, not really." Two years ago - most definitely, one year ago - probably, but this year - no way!


It's moments like these that allow me to see how much I've grown. My confidence and my self-worth are growing on a daily basis, and that is an awesome feeling. I like how my friend describes one's life as a cake, and one's partner is just icing on the cake, and it is so true. More and more, I am discovering what I enjoy (reading), what I am good at (yoga), and what makes me smile (shopping). I am defining myself and learning my self-worth, I have two closets all to myself and I can be as OCD and Type-A as I want to be.


But no doubt, my cake probably needs to bake a little longer and then cool, because you know when you put icing on a cake too soon, and it gets all melty and not pretty...I don't want that.