Two steps back

I had a bad day yesterday. I wrote this blog entry in my head on my way to work this morning. Even as I type, I have a lump in my throat and my vision is blurry from the tears. I have tried not to be specific about my divorce on this blog, but I figured I don't have many readers, and plus this blog serves as a journal for me.

My now ex-husband left me more than seven months ago. Just up and left me and our daughter with no explanation. And then I found out about his infidelity. And it hurt. I understand why it is called a "broken heart." The first few weeks after finding out about Dusty, it felt like he reached in my chest, pulled my heart out and stomped on it right in front of me. There was an actual physical pain in my chest every time I thought about him, which was every waking moment. But, then I went into business mode and was able to pull myself together, sell my house, move, work all while taking care of my precious 2 year-old.

His decisions caused me to move me and my daughter out of our "home" that we built together. His choice has left me broken, confused, angry, hurt and relieved. I think back to all of my tears that fell on the alter of the church we went to. I had so many great friends and family pray for me, us, our marriage, our family. Why would our Heavenly Father allow this to happen? Before we even got engaged, Dusty and I prayed about it. We had sign after sign telling us it was suppose to happen. We had a long engagement, 20 months, and plenty of time to back out of it. But we didn't. We had a gorgeous wedding and vowed "for better or for worse" in front of God, family and friends. But, I realized this morning that all of my prayers, all of the prayers from my prayer-worriors were answered. God released me from a painful marriage.

I have known Dusty for 9 years now. We were together 8, married 4. He was my best friend. I let go of all of my defenses and completely trusted him. I gave him my heart and he became my second half. We created a beautiful daughter together. And then he betrayed me. I look at him now and I see a stranger. How will I ever trust someone again? His actions cut deeper than he realizes.

Every single logical cell in my body tells me that I don't want him. Every fiber of my being knows that our marriage was not good. But, my emotional side - not so much. Why would I want to give my heart to someone like that? It's because I truly loved him. And I don't regret a moment of loving him. I experienced what true love is, even it was brief, even if it hurt me. It is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all...

It may be a year, it may be five years, but I know I will look back on this time and be thankful.