Time

Where did the time go?  And I don't mean in the rhetorical sense.  I mean, really, where did the time go?!?!

I look at my daughter, and I don't know when she went from being a helpless newborn to the adorable four-year-old she is now.  I know she hit all the milestones - eating solid foods, sleeping through the night, walking, talking, potty training - but it all happened so fast.  I know everyone says this, but really - it was just yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital!!

And then there's me.  I'm less than a year away from age 30, and I feel like my life has flown by me.  Was my high school graduation really more than a decade ago?  I finished college 7 years ago?  in the last 6 years, I have seen marriage, divorce, motherhood, home ownership - twice, joy, heartache, a snakebite, fear, loneliness, anger, new friends, old friends, faith and love.  All in 6 years.  I hope the next 6 will be a bit calmer for me. 

My dear friend referred me to an article about divorce and age.  And the author says that when one goes through divorce, he/she doesn't just lose a spouse, but his/her dreams and plans are lost too.  So true.  By 30, I thought I'd have 2.5 kids, a picket fence, and be taller.  Boy, was I wrong!!  That's why I pray, truly pray, for my future husband.  The half-empty part of me wants to throw her hands up and accept her fate as a spinster, but the half-full part of me is confident that God is taking this time to mold and prepare a mate who is worthy of me.  And I for him.  And as much as I feel like I am running out of time, I will hold off on collecting cats and buying those moo-moos -- for now. 

My week off

I decided to utilize some vacation days for mine and Piper's birthdays. For the past three years, I have considered Piper's birthday a national holiday and skipped work to enjoy the day with her. This year, her birthday was on a Sunday. My birthday was a week before. So, I thought, why not take the whole week off? I haven't had that much time off since maternity leave, and let's be honest, who considers that a "vacation?"

I didn't have any big trips planned, nothing spectacular, just some time off to sleep late, catch up on my DVR, finish The Hunger Games, oh, and prepare for Piper's birthday festivities.

Saturday - March 3 marked my 29th birthday. I had a great day! I went shopping with one of my favorite people, and then finished the day surrounded by friends (and Vegas Bombs) at a local bar. I had a great time! Honestly, it was the best birthday in a decade. True story.

Sunday - HUNGOVER

Monday - Wednesday - Uneventful. I cleaned my house (for those who know me, know this is relaxation to me), went shopping (again) and spent some quality time with Piper.

Thursday - Mommy and Piper's Day-of-Fun. I took her to the Children's Museum of Houston and she LOVED it! I would ask her if she was ready to leave, and she said, "No, I want to stay here." After the museum, we went to the Rain Forest Cafe in the Galleria, with the intention of going to Build-A-Bear after our tummies were full. Once I realized that Build A Bear was on the complete opposite side of the Galleria, and Piper said "Can we go home now," we went home. I wasn't going to push my luck, Piper was such a trooper all day and behaved so well, and I knew a melt-down would happen if I dragged her all over the Galleria.

Friday - When I moved into my house a year ago, I ripped up the carpet in the garage-turned-room, and we (and by "we," I mean my dad, while Piper and I watched) finally laid the floor down on Friday. I went with "resilient flooring" that looks like cork. My dad did a great job, and I am so pleased with it. Pictures soon - I promise!

Saturday - Piper's birthday party. I wanted to have just a small gathering for her birthday. The weather was unpleasant, I was stressed, but the kids still had fun. Piper slept for 13 hours that night.

Sunday - Sunday was Piper's actual birthday. I had this whole day planned for her. My parents and I were going to take her to lunch and Build-A-Bear. And then I was reminded why I don't like to plan. First, as we were about to leave, my brother called my dad and said he was running fever, etc. and needed someone to drive him to Urgent Care. Being the saint that my dad is, he took him, and I am glad that our day was delayed...

While mom, Piper and I were waiting at my house for my dad to return, the sewer backed up in my bathroom. Let me rewind for a sec, mother nature was making up for the drought she gave us over the summer and sent down about a bajillion inches of rain on Sunday. This meant that the city's lift stations were full or something...all I know is that it was gross.

I cleaned up the mess not once, but twice. I used a shop vac and bleach, all the while thinking how tough and awesome I am for doing such dirty work all by myself. And then on the third time, the toilet overflowed and dirty water was standing on my bathroom floor and flowed into the hallway onto my 60-year-old original hardwood floors. At first, denial set in and I just stared at the mess in utter disbelief. Then, I did what I always do in unpleasant situations - I yelled, cried, threw some things and then called St. Dad.

St. Dad calmly cleaned up the mess, had me call the city to report the problem, and lovingly told me there was no point in me being there because there was nothing I could do. In other words, he could see me on the edge of a mental breakdown and was preventing me from having a stroke. After a few deep breaths, I decided this was my daughter's 4th birthday, and I won't get this day back. So, I took lessons from the two Yoga classes I've taken and left my "shitty" situation (pun intended) for a while and celebrated Piper's birthday.

As a parent and a daughter, I admire my dad so much. I think about how in one day, he helped my brother when he was sick and then immediately helped me and my disgusting situation, without complaint. When Piper and I got home from dinner, my bathroom was spotless and sanitized, and I was beyond thankful for wonderful parents, an amazing child and a beautiful life.

Thankful

I am so thankful for her.

She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am a better person since becoming her mother.

I am thankful for her smile, for how she whispers "I love you to the moon and back" in my ear. I am thankful she's healthy. I am thankful for her sweet hugs and kisses and how she gets upset if I forget to give her one more hug and sugar before I leave her at day care. I am thankful that she knows I am her mommy. I am thankful for her bravery and how she has handled the divorce - and going to her daddy's house every first, third and fifth weekend - with grace, more grace than I. I am thankful for a life I didn't know was possible, a life full of giggles, arts and crafts, coloring books, dress-up, dolls, hope and most of all, love.

Let's be real

I tend to be very open and honest about my divorce, the events leading up to my divorce, and my feelings about the divorce. I've mentioned this before, but I do this because I hope I can help at least one person that may stumble upon this blog. I know those feelings of loneliness, confusion, anger and sadness. And I know that when I was able to talk to those that have been through the same storm as I have, I was reassured that I would survive.


More than a year later, I still fight numerous feelings on a daily basis. D's girlfriend has recently put her kids in the same daycare as Piper, and he was there picking them up one day last week and we awkwardly ran into each other.

This incident saddened me because how many times will Piper see her dad pick up other kids and not her? It angered me because I remember Piper being six weeks old and D was gone all weekend partying, while I was home alone with a newborn, but yet he is picking up his girlfriend's kids from school. Then, I felt proud because I realized how strong I am and how much I have done on my own. And then, I smiled because when Piper saw me, she excitedly said "Mommy pick me up!"

I feel the cookie-cutter emotions that most divorcees feel, "It's for the best." "I'm better off without him." "We weren't always unhappy." Etc., Etc., Etc.

I don't regret marrying him, and as time passes, my heart is healing. I want to keep a cordial relationship with him, because he is, and always will be, the father of my beautiful child. I have realized that the more I hold onto that unnecessary anger, the more it hurts me and holds me back from living my life. Moral of the story is I'm moving on, and it feels great.

There are times that I may fall a few steps backwards, which is to be expected. For instance, after some Facebooking and Pinteresting, I stumbled upon photos of "families" - mom, dad, children, and sometimes a dog. (I put "families" in quotations, because to me, it is a relative term - families come in all shapes and sizes.) But, I thought, anyone can smile for the camera, but it takes true happiness to smile when no one is looking.


Bedtime is a special time for me and Piper. It's when we calm down, talk about our day, maybe a tickle fight, laugh together, and say a prayer. It is a time that I just look at her and stare in amazement that she is my flesh and blood. Her adorable voice, her sparkling blue eyes, her soft blond curls - how did I get charged with such a beautiful child? The other night at bedtime, I was snuggling and talking with Piper, and she asked me "mommy, will you be my best friend?" - and that, my friends, is true happiness.

How did I get so lucky?

After a busy holiday weekend, Piper and I just relaxed yesterday. I did some laundry and other chores while she watched The Princess and the Frog non-stop. During one of the last scenes when the prince and princess are dancing, Piper came up to me and said "I want to dance like a ballerina," and she grabbed my hand and put her other hand on my waist, and we danced. And I cried.

Too often, I am overwhelmed when I try to balance everything - child, faith, family, career, friends, home - and then my precious three-year-old grabs my hand and reminds me that I need to stop and dance every now and then.

Update

Here is a quick update of what has been going on in my little world:

Piper - Two words: POTTY TRAINED! Woot!! I was beginning to feel pressure from society that she was three years old and not potty-trained. On the other hand, I had very wise parents telling me that she will learn in her own time. And she did. Piper has been through a lot of change in the last year. We have moved twice and her parents got a divorce. I didn't force potty training, and with the help of the village that raises her, she got it. And it is so exciting.

I still can't believe she's three years old. I look at her and I watch as she learns and grows and thinks, and I get tears every time. She is growing up so fast, and I just want to hold onto her as long as I can. I savor every single hug from her, and I am constantly thanking the Good Lord for blessing me with such an amazing child.

The House - Still under construction, but we are getting there. Let me refer to the title of my blog - How do you eat an elephant? Answer - One bite at a time. I get overwhelmed at times, and I have to remember to breath and take one project at a time. I will post pictures and updates soon, I promise.

3 years ago...

Three years ago on this morning, I was physically and mentally preparing to give birth to my first child.



I was scheduled for induction at 38 weeks. Two weeks prior, I started experiencing some difficulties, including high blood pressure and I was put on strict bed rest. After two weeks of ultrasounds, non-stress tests, and other unpleasant tests, it was decided it was best to induce me at 38 weeks.

On March 11, 2008, Dusty and I were at the hospital before the sun was even up. I was strapped in, given pitocin, my water was broken and I was settled in for the day. I was progressing fine and everything looked great until it wasn't. Thankfully, I opted for the epidural early, but I stopped progressing at around 6 cm, and this caused concern for my doctor.

I was given the choice to have a c-section, and took it. It was the first surgery I ever had, besides the removal of my wisdom-teeth, and it was frightening. Despite my fear, I had a perfectly healthy child at 5:58 p.m.. My health, however, was a different story. Due to my high blood pressure, I was in recovery about three times longer than usual until it lowered. Once I finally got out of the recovery room, I went to an ICU-type room where I was all alone for the night because visitors weren't allowed. It was almost 14 hours after delivering Piper that I was able to hold her.



Do you see that red spot on her left eye?...She still has that.

Three years really have gone by in a flash. We have been through so much, and she is my world, my rock, my legacy, my biggest crush and my greatest success.

525,600 minutes

Who doesn't love a good Rent reference?

My divorce may have been final in June, but the drama started a year ago. Signing the divorce papers was just a formality. It was everything leading up to that final act that was horrible.

My now ex-husband's then-girlfriend told me about their affair last year the day before my birthday. I remember the sinking feeling I had when I found out. I remember being paralyzed with shock. I also remember thinking how I wished I could just fast-forward a year to get past all of the pain and stress...and now that I've hit that year mark, I can confidently say I am happy and it was well-worth the journey.

The last 525,600 moments of my life have been moments filled with pain, regret, confusion, anger - lots of anger, joy, drama, happiness, relief, sadness, confidence, depression, acceptance, denial. In the last 525,600 moments, I have rekindled friendships, turned men down, tried new foods, began to realize who I am, sold a house, lost 20 pounds and gained 10 back, moved into my very own place for the first time, seen my daughter grow another year.

As I reach my 28th birthday, there is a part (the woe-is-me part) of me that says, "What do I have to show for myself at 28?" And there is another part (the strong, independent part) that says let me tell you what I have - I have my self-esteem, a home, food on the table, a steady paycheck, health insurance, family, friends, and wisdom. And I don't have an unsupportive husband who emotionally abuses me, cheats, lies, and runs all over me. I am not in a one-sided relationship in which I am unhappy and lost. I now know what I want out of life, myself and a man. And most of all, I have my beautiful, caring, sweet, amazing daughter that brings more joy and happiness in my life than anything else.

My everything

I love my daughter more than I can ever describe. If I didn't have her, I wouldn't have anything. I need Piper more than she needs me. On days that I don't want to get out of bed, she doesn't let me. Literally - she will scream at me until I get out of bed. She never says no to a hug from mommy, and every time it warms my soul.

I should be so proud of myself for being a single, working mom, providing a life for my daughter and myself, but instead I am scared to death. There are times that I am paralyzed by fear. I recently made a pretty important life decision (I don't want to discuss it because I'm afraid I'll jinx it and I'm weird like that), and instead of feeling excited, I am in tears. Loneliness and despair have been all around me, while confidence and strength sit on the sideline. And it's hard to get past the negativity at times, but she reminds me of all I have to be thankful for.

Where did the time go

Piper,

I just tucked you into bed, and as I closed the door behind me, my heart ached a little. You are growing up so fast and right before my eyes. You are such a sweet, loving child and you never cease to make me smile. I wanted to share a few of the adorable things you have been doing -

Your favorite movie(s) right now are Toy Story (1, 2 & 3) and I think we watch at least one of them a day. I hear you reenacting scenes from them, and it just makes me smile.

You have a few favorite books, but there is one about a cat and colors, and you get so excited when we turn the pages and see the different colors, and you know the story by heart.

You sing the alphabet wonderfully!

You love cereal, chocolate milk and lunchables

Your favorite pajamas is a nightgown with peguins on it

You remind me that you love me everyday, and you continue to fill my heart with joy.

The First Noel

Well, it was the first Christmas since my divorce, at least. It was a tough week. I shed some tears, had some anxiety and overall worried about the day. It would be the first year of many that involved switching houses and juggling different family functions. I can't help but think of that scene in Talladega Nights, when after finding out about their parents' divorce, the boys say "Yay! Two Christmases!"

I went to the Christmas Eve candlelight service at the church I grew up in, and it wasn't until about half-way through that I realized it was also the church I was married in. Cue the tears. Amidst my sorrow, I felt like I was suppose to be there. I sat next to my High School Sunday School teacher, and we briefly talked about my situation (i.e. divorce), and he reminded me that his first marriage didn't work out, but he "got lucky - no blessed- the second time." These words hung over my head all night. It was so reassuring to be reminded that I will be "blessed" with the perfect mate one day. I see how happy he and his wife are together and see how their daughters - I once babysat - have turned into beautiful, Christian young women. The peace I received from that conversation may have been the best Christmas present of the year, even better than my iPhone*!

Piper had a great Christmas, she received so many great gifts from all of her extended family. And most importantly, she was showered with love and hugs.






*I haven't had a new phone in 4 years, so I am more than excited about my iPhone!!

Polar Express

My parents, Piper and I went to East Texas last weekend to visit my grandmother, or as Piper called her "Grandmama." While there, Piper and I went on the Polar Express. It was a blast!

We rode on a train to the "North Pole" while we enjoyed hot chocolate, music and lots of fun! Santa even came aboard and gave all the children silver bells, like in the story.





I enjoyed this little mother-daughter adventure so much. It was so rewarding watching her face light up!! These are the memories I will keep in my heart forever.

Lessons from Mommy

Dear Piper,

Mommy has learned many tough lessons this year, which someday, when you're old enough, I will talk to you about. But for right now, I want to pass on a few tidbits of wisdom to you:

- It's okay to have high expectations and big dreams - it keeps you reaching for the stars.
- Life truly is a journey, not a destination. There's not one specific point in life you must reach by a certain time. It's all the stops, road bumps, detours and people you meet along the way.
- Find at least one good thing about every person you meet.
- Be thankful every day for what you have.
- Pray. Pray without ceasing. He's listening, I promise.
- Smile at least once a day.
- Make lots of friends, but don't be afraid to be independent.
- Be slow to fall in love, and be careful about who you give your heart to. But when you do find the one, and you'll know, never give up. Love is not easy and it's not always fun, but it's worth it.
- Learn self-defense - you never know when you might need it.
- Be honest and always work hard. You may not get everything you want, but you can hold your head up high.

Debbie Downer

I've been trying to stay positive since my last post. I desperately try to focus on the good, but I have failed. I have fallen, what seems like miles, on the road I was forced to go down. Maybe it's because the holidays are coming up, and I know it's going to be brutal. Maybe it's because this time last year is when things started going downhill for Dusty and me. Maybe because in my master plan, Piper would be a big sister by now. Whatever the reason, I'm having a rough time.

I will admit I am still having a blast with my friends and regaining lost friendships, discovering who I am, and let me not forget that the Sooners are #1 as of now! So, it's not all bad, but there are some nights and days that get lonely. And I wouldn't mind going on a date sometime. Sometimes I get so angry because my ex-husband gets everything handed to him. He is being rewarded for bad behavior, while I am left standing in the dust of his decisions. And I don't know if anything could cure this anger, short of finding a time machine, but I think we are still a few years away from time travel.

I will stop here, because I don't want to have a pity-party for myself. And I know life isn't fair. Speaking of fair...it's fair time in Brazoria County! Look at this precious face that I get to see. She's mine, and that's nothing to be sad about!

Nothing vs. Everything

Since Dusty left me, I wanted to be able to wish him happiness and mean it. Because when you truly love someone, you want them to be happy. The initial shock and pain from his decisions hindered me from being able to see past the anger, jealousy and revenge I was feeling. Today, however, I told him that if all the pain I have experienced means he gets to be happy, then it makes a little more bearable - and I meant it. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it.

I sometimes fight depression, thinking that I have been left with nothing. My ex-husband left me and my daughter with nothing. He has everything - a new girlfriend, a new life, a new home, no responsibilities - and we have nothing. But, last night I realized I do have everything. I have my daughter, who is everything to me. I have a good job with benefits. I have an education (from the best school in the country, may I add - Boomer Sooners!). We live in a house that we can call our own, and we have food on the table every night. I have a supportive, wonderful family, and I couldn't ask for better friends. So, the lemons aren't so sour anymore.

Two choices

There was a note on Piper's backpack the other day when I picked her up from school requesting that I provide her teacher with a family picture for a project they are working on. My knee-jerk reaction was that of sadness, because it would just be a picture of me and Piper because our family no longer exists. But, then I found a great picture of me and my cutie at the beach, smiling and having a great time. Families come in all forms, and my family consists of me and my beautiful daughter, and it's a wonderful thing.

More times than I would like to admit, I get sad, feel sorry for myself, have a pity-party, cry, or think about all the ways I wish my life were different. But, I have two choices - I can let the sadness consume me and control my life or I can embrace what my life is and make the best of it. Make some lemonade out of all these lemons that have been thrown at me, if you will.

Instead of being sad at dinner because it is just me and Piper and I know my ex-husband, her father, is eating dinner with his new family, I will enjoy every minute of my one-on-one time with my daughter, because she will be grown before I know it. At bedtime, instead of crying into my pillow because no one is beside me, I will sleep in the middle of the bed. On Saturday mornings, I will cook breakfast and watch cartoons with Piper in our pajamas instead of wishing I could stay in bed and sleep the pain of loneliness away. When Piper is with her daddy, I will enjoy time with my friends, maybe go on a date and embrace single-hood instead of watching sad movies while drinking wine alone. Instead of thinking "How could he do this to me?," I will think "What a jerk. It's his loss." And when I want to feel sorry for myself because I am a single mom, I will be proud of myself for being a strong and independent woman and setting a great example for my young daughter.

I choose happiness.

Mommyhood

Piper fell asleep on the couch last night, and as I scooped her up in my arms to carry her to bed, she said "mommy...mommy..." in her sleep. I don't know what it was about that moment, but I started thinking about how much my daughter depends on me. I am responsible for this precious, perfect child. If she bumps her knee, Mommy can fix it with a band-aid and a kiss. When she is hungry or thirsty, she asks me for a "Dora snack" or "purple juice" and she is always satisfied. When a boy will break her heart, she will most likely cry on my shoulder, and I am suppose to have words of wisdom to comfort her. She depends on me for everything, and she has no clue that I am scared out of my mind most of the time that I am doing something wrong.

Hello, Blogger.

My snakebite is almost completely healed. It's a little sore at times, but for the most part I am walking normally again - and staying out of tall grass at nighttime.

I'm sitting here, and thinking, I'm 27 and I have an "ex-husband." I just never thought I would say that, especially this young. I'm slowly adjusting to my new life as a single mom. There's good days and bad days. Sometimes the smallest things make me cry, like when one of the shows he use to watch records on the DVR because I forgot to erase it.

The pain from the divorce is subsiding, as well. Just like the snakebite, it still hurts sometimes, but it's like I'm learning what triggers the pain, on both accounts, and avoiding those things.

On a lighter note, me and Piper are having a great summer. Family time, beach trips, birthday parties - we have been busy.

Beauty

Sometimes I look at Piper and I can not get over how beautiful she is. That may sound bias, considering half of her genetic make-up is from me, but nonetheless, I find her to be beautiful. She is talking more these days, and I am astounded by how much she knows.

Up until she turned 2, I judged her age by months, 19 months, 22 and half months. But since her second birthday, she has stayed 2, even though she is technically 25 months. And here are some pictures from her 25th month of life.

Bubbles! Need I say more.


Sometimes my child lets me see the way I must look to her...

I took her to Shy Pond a couple of weeks ago to feed the ducks, and she loved it. And I loved watching her feed them. She would feed them the entire slice of bread.

Piper's 2nd Birthday - Part 2

Piper's birthday party was last Saturday. God was looking out for me, too, because He made a BEAUTIFUL day for her party. I had it at a local park, and I thought it was a success, despite the alleged "double booking" of the pavilion. In the end, I won. But, I digress.

The day of her birthday party was the first warm, sunny day we have had in a while, and I think all the kids (and parents) enjoyed being outdoors. I had great plans for decorations that included balloons, flower pots and table cloths, but the wind had other ideas. But, I didn't let that ruin her party. The kids played on the playground the entire duration of her party. The playing paused to sing happy birthday and eat cake, but quickly resumed.


Piper is so lucky to have the greatest big cousin ever, Alley. Alley is turning 12 tomorrow, and is the greatest kid I know. She is so patient and kind with the kiddos, and I feel so blessed that she has been in my life for the last 8 years.


As I mentioned, the guests played on the playground so much, I decided to not open presents at her party. With the temptation of climbing and slides, I didn't think that the kids would want to sit and watch Piper open presents for 30 minutes, so we took them to my parents house and opened them there.


I can't believe she's 2!! I look forward to many more birthday parties!