Advice

Below is a list of repeated bits of advice that have begun to wear on my nerves (but no offense to those who give this advice):

1. Stop looking for love, and it will find you - This is my favorite one to hate. One day, am I just going to say, "to hell with love," and then Prince Charming is going to knock on my door?
   
   Of course there is always a part of me that dreams about finding Mr. Right. This doesn't mean that I'm desperately searching for someone. I'm not going to the bars every night, I haven't joined every online dating site there is.
   
   It means that I pray for love. I pray for my heart. I pray for my possible future husband's heart. And I pray that we will know, without a doubt, when we find each other. I was reminded yesterday of Ephesians 5: 22-33, which is a beautiful description of what marriage should be. And that's what I pray for.



2. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you - It boils down to self-esteem, which is admittedly a struggle for me at times. But, I think self-esteem ebbs and flows and is never ending.
   
   I am constantly trying to better myself, so this is an on-going process for me. Technically, I will never be completely satisfied with myself, but isn't this what keeps one motivated to be a better person? But, overall, I think I'm pretty awesome.
   


3. Everything happens for a reason - I will admit that I was once a firm believer in this phrase. I'm not so sure anymore. I believe some things happen for a reason, and sometimes, to quote Forrest Gump, "shit happens."
   
   Do I think God wanted my ex to have an affair? No. But, God gives us free-will and a brain. And my ex used his free will and brain to choose to cheat on me.
   
   And, through prayer, I chose to leave an unhealthy marriage. My thought is maybe God knew that my ex would never be faithful to me. That he was poison to me and he would always be an absent father to our daughter. And so He saved me from a lifetime of frustration and pain and freed me by giving me peace and comfort with my decision. And I am so thankful.
   


4. Your happiness does not depend on someone else - It doesn't, but I believe that my happiness would be enhanced with the right person.
   
   Companionship is one of our humanly needs. Like food, water and shelter. Take the movie Castaway, the main character created a friend out of a Wilson volleyball (I guess this is a Tom Hanks - themed post). And who didn't cry when Wilson was lost at sea?
   
   
   Obviously, I can make it on my own. I have essentially raised my daughter alone since she was born, I have lived on my own for more than two years, so I know I can make it alone. But, I am human, I am a woman, and I desire that adult interaction some days.
   
   It would be nice to come home and share my day with another adult. (However, it is quite adorable when Piper asks me "What did you do today?" at the dinner table.) When Piper is sick in the middle of the night, and I'm not sure what to do, it would be nice to have someone to consult.
   
   When the doctor office calls to remind me to get a follow-up ultrasound on my breast because of the "unknown mass" that was found a year ago (even though I told them that was my breast), and I avoid it like the plague because I'm scared of cancer that has been a wild tornado all around me, taking people left and right, I would like someone to hug me. I would like to have a Wilson in my life.
   


5. Get over it, and move on - The wounds that my ex left cut deep, and I doubt I will ever get over what he did.
   
   The pain his actions caused taught me some very tough lessons, but lessons I needed to learn. My divorce experience opened my eyes, made me stronger and keeps me grounded. After immersing myself into Momastery, she helped me realize that I am thankful I went through the pain I did, as horrific and terrible as it seemed at the time. For three reasons:
   
   1) If I felt indifference and apathy during my divorce, that would mean that I never really cared for my ex. It would mean that I spent 8 years with someone I didn't really love. It would mean that I had a child with someone I had no feelings for. I will never know his feelings on the matter, but I know now that those are his demons to fight, not mine.
   
   2) I am not quick to fall for someone. I am naive and lived a shelter life, so going through a divorce because of a cheating husband at the age of 27 was kind of a shock to me (and to my family). But, I learned the hard way not to believe everything everyone says. I have learned my worth, and I don't have to settle. My confidence has actually improved since the divorce.
   
   3) I learned I am not perfect. And that's OK. No one is. Hindsight is 20/20, and I can see that I wasn't perfect in my marriage (but I am no way justifying my cheating ex-husband.) But, I have learned the true meaning of "pick your battles," and "don't sweat the small stuff."
   
   I was talking to a friend about the imaginary (or maybe not so imaginary) list that most of us women have when it comes to qualities we want in a man. I told her that I don't think anyone will match my entire list, and she said, "no, but shoot for 90%."

On the other hand, here are some things I do like to hear:

1. "You're awesome"



2. "Your ex left you for her. What a dumbass."



3. "You're so much better off."



4. "You are going find someone so wonderful."



5. "Here's some wine."