Seriously, I want to clear my head - part 2

As promised, here's some more ramblings...

Chick-fil-A.  I really don't want to get into a big debate with anyone.  And let me make it clear that the president of Chick-fil-A is entitled to his opinion, and so am I, and so are you.  But, what makes me sad is the lack of love I am hearing from some people.  Let's remember what Jesus instructed us, "Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40).  Pretty simple if you ask me. 

Adultery - With that said, I hear outrage from people about the subject of gay marriage, but what about adultery?  It happens often.  It's one of the ten commandments.  But, not many people are standing on street corners preaching that adultery is wrong.  I feel like it is understood in our society.  A fact of life.  I don't like how weddings are glorified while marriages are made a joke.  I'm not positive, but I believe only a handful of people tried to hold my ex-husband accountable for his affair (and to those people, I thank you).  Some of his friends even encouraged it, welcomed it.  It wasn't like he was cheating on his high school girlfriend, he left his wife and child. 

I know my life is better without him.  I know I deserve better.  I know it's all part of a greater plan, but just something I wanted to get out. 

Dating.  OMG.  Do you know how hard it is to date?  I know I'm not old, but I am knocking on 30's door.  I'm not exactly 22 anymore.  Left to my own devices, the dating scene has not treated me well.  Logically, there are not many opportunities for me to meet someone.  I live in a small town.  I know a good majority of the people.  Where do I go?  Bars?  Church?  Walmart?  Online?  Seriously, it's tough.  I want to be pursued by a man.  Not stalked, not ignored, but pursued.  I'm pretty awesome.  I just need a chance to prove it. 

Control.  So, dating is not something I can control.  I guess I could, but do I really want to date someone that I have to force to go out with me?  Maybe?  No. Therefore, I am trying to focus on things I can control.  Running, for example.  My diet.  My beauty routine.  Just focusing on my overall awesomeness and improving said awesomeness. 

This concludes my ranting for today.

I wish I could just clear my head - part 1

Where to start?  My mind has been all over the place, and I haven't blogged in so long, and I just don't know where to start...

Hmmm...

Would you like to follow my monkey mind with me...

The Olympics.  I love love love the Olympics.  If watching the Olympics were an Olympic event, I would win at least a bronze metal.  While watching,  I saw this guy:

Oscar Pistorius, a double amputee, ran the 400 meters in the Olympics.  Amazing.  Motivating.  Inspiring.  After witnessing Olympic history, I decided to start running again.  Some friends and I want to run in the Color Run in November, but this girl, and my muffin top, is out of shape.  But, for the most part, if I put my mind to something, I accomplish it.  It's about setting myself goals and "check points" to reach a final goal.  I found this app, Couch to 5K, that gives me a manageable program, with baby (running) steps.  I'm on day 2.

A new car.  Speaking of putting my mind to something, I got a new car a few weeks ago.  A 2012 Chevy Sonic.  On my own.  The first time ever that I bought a brand new car completely on my own.  It is an awesome feeling.  It's a small car, but it's perfect for me and Piper.  And it has hands-free calling.  And a remote start.  The car I traded in was a car my ex and I purchased together about a month before he started having his affair (or so I think.  Could've been longer).  The car was used.  Out of warranty.  And little things kept going wrong.  And I got fed up.  I felt like it was the last material object connecting me to my ex, so I was ready to get rid of it. 

Stay tuned for more ramblings...

Contradictions

Carpe Diem, but good things come to those who wait.  Don't be afraid to tell someone how you feel, but hold your feelings inside and don't give away too much.  In this day and age, it's okay to ask a guy out.  Make the guy chase you.  Be yourself, but only in certain circumstances. 

Life is full of contradictions.  One friend will tell me something, and another, the complete opposite.  And since I love and respect all the people I let into my life, I take what they say into serious consideration.  As one can imagine, sometimes, my head feels like it is going to explode.   

If you don't want to read about my pity-party, or hear me rant and complain, I suggest you hit the little "x" in the upper-right hand corner.  Consider yourself warned.

I'm tired, damn it.  I'm lonely.  I'm impatient.  I want someone to tell me what is wrong with me (although that is a loaded question).  It's a struggle, because my heart knows that there is a reason I'm still single, but my head cannot figure out why. 

It's tough being a single parent.  Real tough.  And by no means, am I saying I want to find someone so I can have a dad for Piper - just to be clear.  But, jeez.  For example, I've been sick for a couple of days now, and trying to take care of a hyper four-year old alone while running a fever is not exactly fun. 

And then, I seem to run across articles or conversations emphasizing the importance of a father figure in children's lives.  Well, hell!  I had Piper while I was married, but her dad was the one that ran away, and now I have society shaking her finger at me!?  I don't want Piper's version of a father-figure to be a liar and a cheater.  Frustrating!  Thankfully, I have a wonderful father that has been a constant role-model in my daughter's life. 

I wish I could be super-mom, but the reality is I'm not.  And probably never will be.  Thanks to Pinterest, I am constantly reminded that I will never make sandwiches for Piper in the shape of animals.  I will never make my own pop-tarts.  If I cook a meal that doesn't burn, I consider it a success.  Cooking period is a success.  Being a single parent, you have to learn how to balance everything - time, money, emotions.  And it is a struggle! 

I need a nap.  And wine.

He's just not that into you...

The opening scene of He's Just Not That Into You struck home with me last night.  It begins with a boy hitting a girl on the playground, and her mother tells her -- what I'm sure we have all heard and/or said -- that he hit her because he likes her.  The voice over then says,  "We are all programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk that means he likes you." Yep.  Sounds right to me. 

Time

Where did the time go?  And I don't mean in the rhetorical sense.  I mean, really, where did the time go?!?!

I look at my daughter, and I don't know when she went from being a helpless newborn to the adorable four-year-old she is now.  I know she hit all the milestones - eating solid foods, sleeping through the night, walking, talking, potty training - but it all happened so fast.  I know everyone says this, but really - it was just yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital!!

And then there's me.  I'm less than a year away from age 30, and I feel like my life has flown by me.  Was my high school graduation really more than a decade ago?  I finished college 7 years ago?  in the last 6 years, I have seen marriage, divorce, motherhood, home ownership - twice, joy, heartache, a snakebite, fear, loneliness, anger, new friends, old friends, faith and love.  All in 6 years.  I hope the next 6 will be a bit calmer for me. 

My dear friend referred me to an article about divorce and age.  And the author says that when one goes through divorce, he/she doesn't just lose a spouse, but his/her dreams and plans are lost too.  So true.  By 30, I thought I'd have 2.5 kids, a picket fence, and be taller.  Boy, was I wrong!!  That's why I pray, truly pray, for my future husband.  The half-empty part of me wants to throw her hands up and accept her fate as a spinster, but the half-full part of me is confident that God is taking this time to mold and prepare a mate who is worthy of me.  And I for him.  And as much as I feel like I am running out of time, I will hold off on collecting cats and buying those moo-moos -- for now. 

Internal Struggle

I am having an internal battle.  The romantic part of me is sitting patiently behind the wall the independent part has built, waiting for her knight to knock it down and bring her flowers.  Independent me tells Romantic me to shut up and continues to lay bricks, building the wall higher and higher.  Romantic me tells Independent me not to give up. 

I want to truly believe I am worthy of respect - because I am, but yet I seem to chase after those who treat me badly.  Why is that?!  Because I think I don't deserve to be treated well? Because I don't know any different? Because I'm scared of getting hurt?  Because I'm guarding my heart? 

My head says that I am ready for a real relationship, but my heart runs and hides at the thought of it.  It's all so confusing and overwhelming.  I think too much.  I need a good night's sleep. 

Alone v. Single

Without consciously knowing it, I have always considered "alone" and "single" interchangeable words. But they aren't.

I'm single, but I am NOT alone. I have my daughter who is my everything, my pride and joy, my legacy. I have my family who are always there for me and have seen me through some tough times. And, I also have my friends who are like family, who tell me like it is even when I don't want to hear it, and who fill my life with laughter.

There are pros and cons to being single. Yes, I may have some lonely moments, and there are times when I dread going to events and being the only single one there, but I know I am so blessed with all the people in my life. In fact, when I was married, I was more alone than I am today.

And I know that God hears my prayers every night, and He is preparing that special one for me. One who will find my quirks adorbs and not annoying. Someone who is compatible with my Type-A personality. Someone who encourages and supports me, and doesn't criticize. And someone who has prayed for me.

Resolution Review - Months 2 & 3

Finish the Harry Potter series: A+. I finished the last book mid-February, and I feel like I went through a break-up. No lie. Since leaving Hogwarts, I have read The Hunger Games (awesome), White Girl Problems (hilarious!) and I am currently on The Help (excellent). And, I noticed I read a lot of books that are made into movies...


Stick to my budget: C. I was good in February, but March was full of birthdays, birthday parties, clothes shopping... I should give myself an "F" for March, but I am going to average the two months.


Organize and Clean: B. Still working on this, but I am doing better. And now that the last "big" (for now) project (flooring in my bonus room), I can really focus on clearing out the clutter.


Pray more - A. My heart is becoming more complete by the day.

Me, Myself and I

March is a bittersweet month for me. My birthday and my daughter's birthday falls in the third month, but it also my would-be wedding anniversary and ironically, my divorcerary (totally made that word up, but I think it is going to catch on.) All of these milestones inevitably bring on self-reflection, self-pity and self-confidence each year.

My ex missed his daughter's birthday this year, because he and his girlfriend went on vacation or something. He called her the morning of her birthday, so it's not like he totally forgot, but he did give up time with her on that day to do other things. A friend of mine asked me, "doesn't it make you mad, that he goes on vacation with her, but never did with you?" And I confidently said "No, not really." Two years ago - most definitely, one year ago - probably, but this year - no way!


It's moments like these that allow me to see how much I've grown. My confidence and my self-worth are growing on a daily basis, and that is an awesome feeling. I like how my friend describes one's life as a cake, and one's partner is just icing on the cake, and it is so true. More and more, I am discovering what I enjoy (reading), what I am good at (yoga), and what makes me smile (shopping). I am defining myself and learning my self-worth, I have two closets all to myself and I can be as OCD and Type-A as I want to be.


But no doubt, my cake probably needs to bake a little longer and then cool, because you know when you put icing on a cake too soon, and it gets all melty and not pretty...I don't want that.

My week off

I decided to utilize some vacation days for mine and Piper's birthdays. For the past three years, I have considered Piper's birthday a national holiday and skipped work to enjoy the day with her. This year, her birthday was on a Sunday. My birthday was a week before. So, I thought, why not take the whole week off? I haven't had that much time off since maternity leave, and let's be honest, who considers that a "vacation?"

I didn't have any big trips planned, nothing spectacular, just some time off to sleep late, catch up on my DVR, finish The Hunger Games, oh, and prepare for Piper's birthday festivities.

Saturday - March 3 marked my 29th birthday. I had a great day! I went shopping with one of my favorite people, and then finished the day surrounded by friends (and Vegas Bombs) at a local bar. I had a great time! Honestly, it was the best birthday in a decade. True story.

Sunday - HUNGOVER

Monday - Wednesday - Uneventful. I cleaned my house (for those who know me, know this is relaxation to me), went shopping (again) and spent some quality time with Piper.

Thursday - Mommy and Piper's Day-of-Fun. I took her to the Children's Museum of Houston and she LOVED it! I would ask her if she was ready to leave, and she said, "No, I want to stay here." After the museum, we went to the Rain Forest Cafe in the Galleria, with the intention of going to Build-A-Bear after our tummies were full. Once I realized that Build A Bear was on the complete opposite side of the Galleria, and Piper said "Can we go home now," we went home. I wasn't going to push my luck, Piper was such a trooper all day and behaved so well, and I knew a melt-down would happen if I dragged her all over the Galleria.

Friday - When I moved into my house a year ago, I ripped up the carpet in the garage-turned-room, and we (and by "we," I mean my dad, while Piper and I watched) finally laid the floor down on Friday. I went with "resilient flooring" that looks like cork. My dad did a great job, and I am so pleased with it. Pictures soon - I promise!

Saturday - Piper's birthday party. I wanted to have just a small gathering for her birthday. The weather was unpleasant, I was stressed, but the kids still had fun. Piper slept for 13 hours that night.

Sunday - Sunday was Piper's actual birthday. I had this whole day planned for her. My parents and I were going to take her to lunch and Build-A-Bear. And then I was reminded why I don't like to plan. First, as we were about to leave, my brother called my dad and said he was running fever, etc. and needed someone to drive him to Urgent Care. Being the saint that my dad is, he took him, and I am glad that our day was delayed...

While mom, Piper and I were waiting at my house for my dad to return, the sewer backed up in my bathroom. Let me rewind for a sec, mother nature was making up for the drought she gave us over the summer and sent down about a bajillion inches of rain on Sunday. This meant that the city's lift stations were full or something...all I know is that it was gross.

I cleaned up the mess not once, but twice. I used a shop vac and bleach, all the while thinking how tough and awesome I am for doing such dirty work all by myself. And then on the third time, the toilet overflowed and dirty water was standing on my bathroom floor and flowed into the hallway onto my 60-year-old original hardwood floors. At first, denial set in and I just stared at the mess in utter disbelief. Then, I did what I always do in unpleasant situations - I yelled, cried, threw some things and then called St. Dad.

St. Dad calmly cleaned up the mess, had me call the city to report the problem, and lovingly told me there was no point in me being there because there was nothing I could do. In other words, he could see me on the edge of a mental breakdown and was preventing me from having a stroke. After a few deep breaths, I decided this was my daughter's 4th birthday, and I won't get this day back. So, I took lessons from the two Yoga classes I've taken and left my "shitty" situation (pun intended) for a while and celebrated Piper's birthday.

As a parent and a daughter, I admire my dad so much. I think about how in one day, he helped my brother when he was sick and then immediately helped me and my disgusting situation, without complaint. When Piper and I got home from dinner, my bathroom was spotless and sanitized, and I was beyond thankful for wonderful parents, an amazing child and a beautiful life.