Matters of the heart

When I was pregnant with Piper, nearly FOUR* years ago, I was diagnosed with Pregnancy-Induced Hypertension. However, after I gave birth to my precious child, the "Pregnancy-Induced" Hypertension became "Chronic" Hypertension. And I have been on meds ever since.

According to Wikipedia, "[Hypertension] requires the heart to work harder than normal to circulate blood through the blood vessels."

Work harder than normal.

My heart has been through a lot in the last four years, and even more so in the last two. It has been abused, neglected and hurt, but it has also loved beyond measure. And it keeps on pumping. In fact, it has fought for the last two years and hasn't given up.

I went in for my semi-annual visit to the Cardiologist this week, and was relieved when my blood pressure reading was normal, and then some. So much so that the doc has lowered my meds. I feel like the wounds in my heart are healing and it doesn't have to work so hard anymore.

*Piper will be FOUR on March 11. I still cannot believe it. Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I've done the math to make sure she is really going to be FOUR YEARS OLD!!

Advice

Below is a list of repeated bits of advice that have begun to wear on my nerves (but no offense to those who give this advice):

1. Stop looking for love, and it will find you - This is my favorite one to hate. One day, am I just going to say, "to hell with love," and then Prince Charming is going to knock on my door?
   
   Of course there is always a part of me that dreams about finding Mr. Right. This doesn't mean that I'm desperately searching for someone. I'm not going to the bars every night, I haven't joined every online dating site there is.
   
   It means that I pray for love. I pray for my heart. I pray for my possible future husband's heart. And I pray that we will know, without a doubt, when we find each other. I was reminded yesterday of Ephesians 5: 22-33, which is a beautiful description of what marriage should be. And that's what I pray for.



2. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you - It boils down to self-esteem, which is admittedly a struggle for me at times. But, I think self-esteem ebbs and flows and is never ending.
   
   I am constantly trying to better myself, so this is an on-going process for me. Technically, I will never be completely satisfied with myself, but isn't this what keeps one motivated to be a better person? But, overall, I think I'm pretty awesome.
   


3. Everything happens for a reason - I will admit that I was once a firm believer in this phrase. I'm not so sure anymore. I believe some things happen for a reason, and sometimes, to quote Forrest Gump, "shit happens."
   
   Do I think God wanted my ex to have an affair? No. But, God gives us free-will and a brain. And my ex used his free will and brain to choose to cheat on me.
   
   And, through prayer, I chose to leave an unhealthy marriage. My thought is maybe God knew that my ex would never be faithful to me. That he was poison to me and he would always be an absent father to our daughter. And so He saved me from a lifetime of frustration and pain and freed me by giving me peace and comfort with my decision. And I am so thankful.
   


4. Your happiness does not depend on someone else - It doesn't, but I believe that my happiness would be enhanced with the right person.
   
   Companionship is one of our humanly needs. Like food, water and shelter. Take the movie Castaway, the main character created a friend out of a Wilson volleyball (I guess this is a Tom Hanks - themed post). And who didn't cry when Wilson was lost at sea?
   
   
   Obviously, I can make it on my own. I have essentially raised my daughter alone since she was born, I have lived on my own for more than two years, so I know I can make it alone. But, I am human, I am a woman, and I desire that adult interaction some days.
   
   It would be nice to come home and share my day with another adult. (However, it is quite adorable when Piper asks me "What did you do today?" at the dinner table.) When Piper is sick in the middle of the night, and I'm not sure what to do, it would be nice to have someone to consult.
   
   When the doctor office calls to remind me to get a follow-up ultrasound on my breast because of the "unknown mass" that was found a year ago (even though I told them that was my breast), and I avoid it like the plague because I'm scared of cancer that has been a wild tornado all around me, taking people left and right, I would like someone to hug me. I would like to have a Wilson in my life.
   


5. Get over it, and move on - The wounds that my ex left cut deep, and I doubt I will ever get over what he did.
   
   The pain his actions caused taught me some very tough lessons, but lessons I needed to learn. My divorce experience opened my eyes, made me stronger and keeps me grounded. After immersing myself into Momastery, she helped me realize that I am thankful I went through the pain I did, as horrific and terrible as it seemed at the time. For three reasons:
   
   1) If I felt indifference and apathy during my divorce, that would mean that I never really cared for my ex. It would mean that I spent 8 years with someone I didn't really love. It would mean that I had a child with someone I had no feelings for. I will never know his feelings on the matter, but I know now that those are his demons to fight, not mine.
   
   2) I am not quick to fall for someone. I am naive and lived a shelter life, so going through a divorce because of a cheating husband at the age of 27 was kind of a shock to me (and to my family). But, I learned the hard way not to believe everything everyone says. I have learned my worth, and I don't have to settle. My confidence has actually improved since the divorce.
   
   3) I learned I am not perfect. And that's OK. No one is. Hindsight is 20/20, and I can see that I wasn't perfect in my marriage (but I am no way justifying my cheating ex-husband.) But, I have learned the true meaning of "pick your battles," and "don't sweat the small stuff."
   
   I was talking to a friend about the imaginary (or maybe not so imaginary) list that most of us women have when it comes to qualities we want in a man. I told her that I don't think anyone will match my entire list, and she said, "no, but shoot for 90%."

On the other hand, here are some things I do like to hear:

1. "You're awesome"



2. "Your ex left you for her. What a dumbass."



3. "You're so much better off."



4. "You are going find someone so wonderful."



5. "Here's some wine."

Routine

After trying to do it all, crying because I can't, and then realizing that I'm only one person, I am learning what works for me.

There are only 24 hours in a day. And most of those, for me, are spent at work and sleeping. After some serious "Mommy Guilt", I confidently decided that I will make the most of the time I do have with Piper. It's obvious that I will have to work for the foreseeable future, so I must focus on quality time over quantity of time. One advantage, for me, of being a working mom is that since I am away from my daughter all day, it is an exciting event when we see each other at the end of the day. She gets so excited, and it takes every ounce of her not to run to me when I walk into her school. She has gotten better at using her "walking feet," as her teachers call it, but I usually make elaborate gestures to let her know how excited I am to see her.

Thus begins our school/work evenings.

For a while, I was exhausting myself trying to cram 48 hours into one day, and then came some clarity. So it was decided (by me) that some stuff just had to go. I have been experimenting with once a month cooking (or OAMC as the cool kids call it), and it has helped tremendously. Also, I decided I would allow myself one chore a night (how am I still single?!). Suddenly, I was able to ballet dance with Piper or sit in my favorite chair and relax (which means reading Harry Potter) while Piper draws. Piper is going to sleep earlier. I am going to sleep earlier. I am not running (as) late in the mornings.

Sometimes I have to learn lessons the hard way.

I usually cook on Sunday nights, and on my Mondays off (every other Monday), I freezer cook for about a week or two. Since Piper and I eat the equivalent of one grown person, this process doesn't really take long and I can usually make two or three meals out of one recipe, creating quite the stock pile of food in my freezer. So, when we get home in the evenings, I pop a pre-prepared meal in the oven, which leaves little clean up, leftovers for lunch the next day, a happy toddler and a happy mama.

My freezer...let's just hope that there isn't a power outage.

I'm very self-conscious of my cooking. I don't really have that knack for cooking that some do (maybe that's why I'm still single?!), but I can follow a recipe (for the most part!). Here is a OAMC recipe I tried the other day, and I was impressed - Green Chile Chicken Enchiladas.

Revelation

I cannot do everything.

It feels good to admit that.

I've tried, though. I have tried to do it all. But, I lost. Defeated. Like Bama beat LSU. Nearly 2 years after my life started over, and much trial and error, I am finally coming to grips with it all. I've settle into a house I can call my own. Piper and I finally have a routine. I am talking to God again. I am actually glad I'm not with my ex anymore. The dust is settling, and I am joyfully using my steam mop to clean away the remnants so my path will be clean and dust-free - just the way I like it. Though, I know there will be times that I may kick up the dirt, but nothing the Shark can't handle.

My friends Laurie (whom I want to be like when I grow up - she's talented, laid back and uses good grammar) and Paige (though briefly my legal "sister-in-law," she will always be a sister in my heart) introduced me to a new blog - Momastary. Sometimes people, things, events, or even blogs come into your life at God's precise moment. And so it is with this blog. It's real, encouraging and funny. Read it.

Many hats...

I can't remember how the quote goes, exactly, but there was an episode of SATC in which Carrie said something along the lines of the best way to get your mind off of a man, is to start a project (and then she painting her kitchen).

In my case, I have created projects - or "phases" as I refer to them - to get my mind off of lack of a man.

In the past year, I have wanted to remodel a house, party like it's 1999, become an extreme couponer, have a clean and organized home, be a budget-friendly fashionista, cook and freeze meals for the month, become a DIY-pro, and most recently - start a healthy lifestyle.

At first, these obsessions seem quite random to me, but then further thought had me realize that they are just steps to self-discovery. Through these different tasks, I am finding out what I enjoy, what I am good at (and not so good at), what relaxes me, and what stresses me out.

It's great being able to focus on myself, and my daughter, and how to better our life. For so long, my main concentration was D. I forgot who I was and what I enjoyed, in hopes to make him happy. But now, I am rediscovering myself, and having fun at the same time. And I am finally (and obsessively) reading the Harry Potter series - and I LOVE it!!

Let's be real

I tend to be very open and honest about my divorce, the events leading up to my divorce, and my feelings about the divorce. I've mentioned this before, but I do this because I hope I can help at least one person that may stumble upon this blog. I know those feelings of loneliness, confusion, anger and sadness. And I know that when I was able to talk to those that have been through the same storm as I have, I was reassured that I would survive.


More than a year later, I still fight numerous feelings on a daily basis. D's girlfriend has recently put her kids in the same daycare as Piper, and he was there picking them up one day last week and we awkwardly ran into each other.

This incident saddened me because how many times will Piper see her dad pick up other kids and not her? It angered me because I remember Piper being six weeks old and D was gone all weekend partying, while I was home alone with a newborn, but yet he is picking up his girlfriend's kids from school. Then, I felt proud because I realized how strong I am and how much I have done on my own. And then, I smiled because when Piper saw me, she excitedly said "Mommy pick me up!"

I feel the cookie-cutter emotions that most divorcees feel, "It's for the best." "I'm better off without him." "We weren't always unhappy." Etc., Etc., Etc.

I don't regret marrying him, and as time passes, my heart is healing. I want to keep a cordial relationship with him, because he is, and always will be, the father of my beautiful child. I have realized that the more I hold onto that unnecessary anger, the more it hurts me and holds me back from living my life. Moral of the story is I'm moving on, and it feels great.

There are times that I may fall a few steps backwards, which is to be expected. For instance, after some Facebooking and Pinteresting, I stumbled upon photos of "families" - mom, dad, children, and sometimes a dog. (I put "families" in quotations, because to me, it is a relative term - families come in all shapes and sizes.) But, I thought, anyone can smile for the camera, but it takes true happiness to smile when no one is looking.


Bedtime is a special time for me and Piper. It's when we calm down, talk about our day, maybe a tickle fight, laugh together, and say a prayer. It is a time that I just look at her and stare in amazement that she is my flesh and blood. Her adorable voice, her sparkling blue eyes, her soft blond curls - how did I get charged with such a beautiful child? The other night at bedtime, I was snuggling and talking with Piper, and she asked me "mommy, will you be my best friend?" - and that, my friends, is true happiness.