Contradictions

Carpe Diem, but good things come to those who wait.  Don't be afraid to tell someone how you feel, but hold your feelings inside and don't give away too much.  In this day and age, it's okay to ask a guy out.  Make the guy chase you.  Be yourself, but only in certain circumstances. 

Life is full of contradictions.  One friend will tell me something, and another, the complete opposite.  And since I love and respect all the people I let into my life, I take what they say into serious consideration.  As one can imagine, sometimes, my head feels like it is going to explode.   

If you don't want to read about my pity-party, or hear me rant and complain, I suggest you hit the little "x" in the upper-right hand corner.  Consider yourself warned.

I'm tired, damn it.  I'm lonely.  I'm impatient.  I want someone to tell me what is wrong with me (although that is a loaded question).  It's a struggle, because my heart knows that there is a reason I'm still single, but my head cannot figure out why. 

It's tough being a single parent.  Real tough.  And by no means, am I saying I want to find someone so I can have a dad for Piper - just to be clear.  But, jeez.  For example, I've been sick for a couple of days now, and trying to take care of a hyper four-year old alone while running a fever is not exactly fun. 

And then, I seem to run across articles or conversations emphasizing the importance of a father figure in children's lives.  Well, hell!  I had Piper while I was married, but her dad was the one that ran away, and now I have society shaking her finger at me!?  I don't want Piper's version of a father-figure to be a liar and a cheater.  Frustrating!  Thankfully, I have a wonderful father that has been a constant role-model in my daughter's life. 

I wish I could be super-mom, but the reality is I'm not.  And probably never will be.  Thanks to Pinterest, I am constantly reminded that I will never make sandwiches for Piper in the shape of animals.  I will never make my own pop-tarts.  If I cook a meal that doesn't burn, I consider it a success.  Cooking period is a success.  Being a single parent, you have to learn how to balance everything - time, money, emotions.  And it is a struggle! 

I need a nap.  And wine.

Time

Where did the time go?  And I don't mean in the rhetorical sense.  I mean, really, where did the time go?!?!

I look at my daughter, and I don't know when she went from being a helpless newborn to the adorable four-year-old she is now.  I know she hit all the milestones - eating solid foods, sleeping through the night, walking, talking, potty training - but it all happened so fast.  I know everyone says this, but really - it was just yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital!!

And then there's me.  I'm less than a year away from age 30, and I feel like my life has flown by me.  Was my high school graduation really more than a decade ago?  I finished college 7 years ago?  in the last 6 years, I have seen marriage, divorce, motherhood, home ownership - twice, joy, heartache, a snakebite, fear, loneliness, anger, new friends, old friends, faith and love.  All in 6 years.  I hope the next 6 will be a bit calmer for me. 

My dear friend referred me to an article about divorce and age.  And the author says that when one goes through divorce, he/she doesn't just lose a spouse, but his/her dreams and plans are lost too.  So true.  By 30, I thought I'd have 2.5 kids, a picket fence, and be taller.  Boy, was I wrong!!  That's why I pray, truly pray, for my future husband.  The half-empty part of me wants to throw her hands up and accept her fate as a spinster, but the half-full part of me is confident that God is taking this time to mold and prepare a mate who is worthy of me.  And I for him.  And as much as I feel like I am running out of time, I will hold off on collecting cats and buying those moo-moos -- for now. 

Internal Struggle

I am having an internal battle.  The romantic part of me is sitting patiently behind the wall the independent part has built, waiting for her knight to knock it down and bring her flowers.  Independent me tells Romantic me to shut up and continues to lay bricks, building the wall higher and higher.  Romantic me tells Independent me not to give up. 

I want to truly believe I am worthy of respect - because I am, but yet I seem to chase after those who treat me badly.  Why is that?!  Because I think I don't deserve to be treated well? Because I don't know any different? Because I'm scared of getting hurt?  Because I'm guarding my heart? 

My head says that I am ready for a real relationship, but my heart runs and hides at the thought of it.  It's all so confusing and overwhelming.  I think too much.  I need a good night's sleep. 

Resolution Review - Months 2 & 3

Finish the Harry Potter series: A+. I finished the last book mid-February, and I feel like I went through a break-up. No lie. Since leaving Hogwarts, I have read The Hunger Games (awesome), White Girl Problems (hilarious!) and I am currently on The Help (excellent). And, I noticed I read a lot of books that are made into movies...


Stick to my budget: C. I was good in February, but March was full of birthdays, birthday parties, clothes shopping... I should give myself an "F" for March, but I am going to average the two months.


Organize and Clean: B. Still working on this, but I am doing better. And now that the last "big" (for now) project (flooring in my bonus room), I can really focus on clearing out the clutter.


Pray more - A. My heart is becoming more complete by the day.

Revelation

I cannot do everything.

It feels good to admit that.

I've tried, though. I have tried to do it all. But, I lost. Defeated. Like Bama beat LSU. Nearly 2 years after my life started over, and much trial and error, I am finally coming to grips with it all. I've settle into a house I can call my own. Piper and I finally have a routine. I am talking to God again. I am actually glad I'm not with my ex anymore. The dust is settling, and I am joyfully using my steam mop to clean away the remnants so my path will be clean and dust-free - just the way I like it. Though, I know there will be times that I may kick up the dirt, but nothing the Shark can't handle.

My friends Laurie (whom I want to be like when I grow up - she's talented, laid back and uses good grammar) and Paige (though briefly my legal "sister-in-law," she will always be a sister in my heart) introduced me to a new blog - Momastary. Sometimes people, things, events, or even blogs come into your life at God's precise moment. And so it is with this blog. It's real, encouraging and funny. Read it.

Child of God

I am a child of God. But how quickly I forget.

I love my daughter more than I ever thought possible. I have her best interest at heart. I want to protect her from all harm. When she hurts, I hurt. When I tell her, "trust me," I mean it. When I don't want her to eat candy for dinner, it's for her own good. And sometimes she just wants to sit in my lap while I hold her and comfort her.

So how is it, that I love my daughter so much, with my measly human heart, and I forget that my God loves me more than I can fathom?

Luke 18:17 (NIV)
"Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

Exhausted.

Piper and I braved the torrential rain yesterday to have lunch together. Thankfully, Chick-fil-A has an indoor playground. I sat and watched her play, and there were some boys that were being mean to her. One called her a "cry baby." It burned me up. What was worse was I saw where these boys' parents were sitting, and they did nothing to stop it. It was a group of obvious wealthy stay-at-home moms, as evident by the blindingly large diamonds on their fingers, and their conversations about new curtains, game rooms, etc. I finally went and sat in the play area to prevent any more confrontation (Piper may have stomped on one of the boy's foot at one point, but was self-defense in my book).

This same group of women were talking about how tired they are at the end of the day. I know I don't know all of their stories, but I wanted to scream. As I mentioned, they were obviously married, and safe to assume that they had help. I wanted to tell them, "Try doing it all alone. The cooking, the cleaning, the rearing, paying the bills - in addition to having a full-time job. Alone. No help financially, physically or emotionally. The health, safety and well-being of my child lies with me. There are some nights that I just want to sit down. That's all - sit. For five minutes. And breath."

By the end of the day, I am beyond tired. On the rare occasion that I don't fall asleep at the same time as my daughter, I usually cry myself to sleep. Partly due to pure exhaustion, but mostly because when it is quiet, I am left with my thoughts. Thoughts of being alone. Not only am I hard to live with, due to me being very type-A, and wanting things a certain way, but I also have a child - another man's child - who (my child) takes priority over everyone and everything. So, if a man can get past my independence and self-sufficiency, he must also be strong enough to carry my baggage - all 35 pounds of it. And honestly, I think that would be borderline saint-hood.

There are some days that I just want a hug and someone to tell me, "you're doing a good job," or "it's going to be OK." Sometimes, I just need validation that I'm not screwing everything up. And sometimes, I just need a good night's sleep.

Happily Ever After?

I was drifting off to sleep the other night when it hit me that I have a second chance at being happy. Not just happy, but ridiculously happy. All those couples that I admire, and all those romantic comedies I cry at - I might be like that someday. To me, that thought makes me as happy as the thought of winning the lottery. And in a sense, finding that "someone" is winning the lottery.

So, to my winning lottery ticket - I may already know you, I may not, or you may just remain in my dreams. But, I pray for you. I promise to cherish you and appreciate you. I will respect you and honor you. And just the thought of the idea of you makes me giddy. I can't wait to meet the man God has prepared for me.

Letter to myself

Dear self,

I know you get sad sometimes, and that's OK, but I will not allow you to let the sadness consume your life. You have so much. A perfect daughter. A supportive family. Wonderful, amazing friends. A good job. A house. Your health. Your child's health. Food on the table. Over-flowing closets. Life is good.

Yes, you're single. So what? Look at everything you've accomplished since being single. You have grown and learned so much. You are discovering who you are. You are realizing how much you are worth and what you deserve. You are not settling - on anything. You don't have to answer to anyone. You can paint the walls of your house any color you want.

Be thankful, self, for everything you have. Be grateful for all the lessons you have learned. Don't be so eager to see what the future has for you - enjoy the present and soak in every moment. Stop beating yourself up over the past - let it make your better, not bitter. And most of all - relax - everything is going to be fine.

Love,
yourself

Let's be real

I tend to be very open and honest about my divorce, the events leading up to my divorce, and my feelings about the divorce. I've mentioned this before, but I do this because I hope I can help at least one person that may stumble upon this blog. I know those feelings of loneliness, confusion, anger and sadness. And I know that when I was able to talk to those that have been through the same storm as I have, I was reassured that I would survive.


More than a year later, I still fight numerous feelings on a daily basis. D's girlfriend has recently put her kids in the same daycare as Piper, and he was there picking them up one day last week and we awkwardly ran into each other.

This incident saddened me because how many times will Piper see her dad pick up other kids and not her? It angered me because I remember Piper being six weeks old and D was gone all weekend partying, while I was home alone with a newborn, but yet he is picking up his girlfriend's kids from school. Then, I felt proud because I realized how strong I am and how much I have done on my own. And then, I smiled because when Piper saw me, she excitedly said "Mommy pick me up!"

I feel the cookie-cutter emotions that most divorcees feel, "It's for the best." "I'm better off without him." "We weren't always unhappy." Etc., Etc., Etc.

I don't regret marrying him, and as time passes, my heart is healing. I want to keep a cordial relationship with him, because he is, and always will be, the father of my beautiful child. I have realized that the more I hold onto that unnecessary anger, the more it hurts me and holds me back from living my life. Moral of the story is I'm moving on, and it feels great.

There are times that I may fall a few steps backwards, which is to be expected. For instance, after some Facebooking and Pinteresting, I stumbled upon photos of "families" - mom, dad, children, and sometimes a dog. (I put "families" in quotations, because to me, it is a relative term - families come in all shapes and sizes.) But, I thought, anyone can smile for the camera, but it takes true happiness to smile when no one is looking.


Bedtime is a special time for me and Piper. It's when we calm down, talk about our day, maybe a tickle fight, laugh together, and say a prayer. It is a time that I just look at her and stare in amazement that she is my flesh and blood. Her adorable voice, her sparkling blue eyes, her soft blond curls - how did I get charged with such a beautiful child? The other night at bedtime, I was snuggling and talking with Piper, and she asked me "mommy, will you be my best friend?" - and that, my friends, is true happiness.

Old Heart

Music is relative, or so I think. One song can be interpreted numerous different ways. But, for me, this song, "Hello My Old Heart" by these amazing people (whom I have the honor of knowing), speaks loudly to me:

"Because nothing lasts forever
Some things aren't meant to be
But you'll never find the answers
Until you set your old heart free."

Thank you, Maggie and Tyler!

Summer o' Fun

I started this blog a month before Piper turned 1, and she's now almost 3 1/2. If you're reading this, you know what a whirlwind of a journey it has been for me.

Piper during one of our many beach trips.

At first, I wanted to use this blog to document my daughter's cuteness. It then progressed into an outlet for me during my divorce. And then, I had every intention to use it as a diary for my house make-over. Considering I've only shown you one room so far, it's safe to say that I have failed at that goal. But, to my defense it is the only room that is blog-worthy and we are making progress, and hopefully I will return to showing the strides we have made soon.

But, for now, I want to share what an awesome summer I've had. My friend and I refer to it as the "summer o' fun." However, it wasn't all fun. At the beginning of the summer, I went through some difficult things, but am better now because of them. My 10-year high school reunion was at the end of June, and I reunited with some friends - and made new friends - that have brightened my life. They are the type of friends that sitcoms are based on. And I am so lucky that I can call them my friends. (Wow, that sounded right out of a Disney made-for-t.v. movie.)

The only picture I got at the reunion. Wine may have been a factor.

I use to be such a planner. I had to know who, what, when, where and why. And if I began running more than 10 minutes late, I was at the risk of a stroke. I didn't like spontaneity. Sometimes, I would plan my day by the hour. No lie. Some may even say OCD or Anal Retentive, and both are close to accurate.

This summer, I have learned to not make plans. Don't get me wrong, I understand that some plans are good and necessary, but as far as "what are you going to do this weekend?," my answer has been, "I don't know, I'll just play it by ear."


July 4th festivities = Fun.

Watching a dodgeball tournament in the extreme HEAT. But still had a blast.

Celebrating a friend's birthday in Houston.

Enjoying yummy Peach Chardonnay at a wine bar.

There are more unfinished projects at my house than I can count. The laundry fairy often passes my house - probably because the dish fairy told her to. And all the toys are never put up at the same time. But it's OK. It's OK because no one ever says on her deathbed, "I wish I would've done the dishes more." And I'd rather have the memories that I gained this summer than the memory of folding laundry.

How did I get so lucky?

After a busy holiday weekend, Piper and I just relaxed yesterday. I did some laundry and other chores while she watched The Princess and the Frog non-stop. During one of the last scenes when the prince and princess are dancing, Piper came up to me and said "I want to dance like a ballerina," and she grabbed my hand and put her other hand on my waist, and we danced. And I cried.

Too often, I am overwhelmed when I try to balance everything - child, faith, family, career, friends, home - and then my precious three-year-old grabs my hand and reminds me that I need to stop and dance every now and then.

The big picture

My prayer life has slacked lately - a lot - but I was gently reminded yesterday of God's plan. I believe that all of these experiences and events are pieces in a perfect puzzle.

I look back to six months prior to filing for divorce, and there were some things that happened that helped me prepare for the single lifestyle. A year ago, our house sold in 30 days - a blessing in this housing market. I found a rent house in perfect timing of moving out of the house my and my ex-husband bought together. And now, I was able to buy a house - on my own.

All of these examples are proof that He has a great plan for me. I have to keep reminding myself of that - that my God always protects me and provides for me. I'm not sure what the plan is, but I know it is a good one. He made it possible for me to leave an abusive relationship, He's given me the strength, confidence and means to raise my daughter on my own, and He reminds me everyday of everything I have. I am blessed.

Individual

I recently made a big purchase - A house. It's been two months of chaos and stress, but I did it. I bought a house. On my own.

I was sent an amendment to my original contract to correct my name and classifying me as an individual.

Yes, I should be proud, excited, overjoyed about this major life purchase for me and my daughter. But, seeing the word individual staring back at me broke my spirit a little bit.

Why are we so often defined by our relationship status? And, does it make me less capable to own a house since I'm not married anymore? Anyone who knew me and my ex when we were married can testify that I am more than capable of taking care of a home by myself - as an individual.

To me, you are perfect

I love the movie "Love Actually" - I watch it just to watch the scene above. I obviously wasn't perfect to my ex. Sunday will mark one year since I officially considered us as "separated." It was a shitty way to start 2010, let me tell you. I look back at the resolutions I made last year, and I feel like that kid in class that just doesn't care to do his homework. It is the third day of the year, and I have no desire to make any resolutions for 2011.

But back to being perfect...

Now that I have been separated from Dusty, and my relationship with him, for almost a year, I see what we had in a whole new light. I am seeing how unhealthy we were. When I was with him, I thought what we had worked. But, now that the blinders have been removed, I feel like such a weight has been lifted. I want a partner the next time. I want someone who knows me, and continues to learn about me. I want the next one to know when I leave for work, what my favorite dessert is and other little idiosyncrasies about me. I want someone who will share household chores with me. He may not be perfect to everyone, but to me, he will be perfect.

And you know what's sad? Is there is a chunk of "my wasted heart" that doesn't think I deserve someone like that, or maybe I just think there isn't such a man out there. I'm not ready to rush into anything, and who knows if 2011 will be my year, but I know my confidence is much higher than this time last year. I guess my resolution for 2011 is to not have expectations, or a timeline, or a plan for what my life should be...I just want to let it be.

Men and Houses

I am currently looking to become a homeowner again. I'm not rushing into something, because I'm fine where I'm at, but I would like a bigger place. Anyhow, yesterday I thought about how finding a house is like finding a man:

I have a "dream house" in mind. There's certain criteria I want it to meet. Some people want a "fixer-upper", some want it to be "move-in" ready. As for me, I'll know "the one" when I see it. Buying a house is risky, takes work and upkeep and requires commitment. When you find one that you think might be "the one", you take a chance and put a bid on it, hoping that it is acceptable and someone else doesn't get it before you do. You might have to go through a few rejected offers before you finally find the perfect one. But when you finally land that perfect house, it is a great, great feeling!

Maybe I can find a house with a man - like a 2fer deal!!

Like a movie

I feel like there is a script written for my life and I have missed every cue. Does my life have a one year plan? Two years? Ten years? How long will it be before everything is back to normal? If this was a 90-minute romantic comedy, Kate Hudson's character (because that's who I want to play me) would have gone through a terrible divorce or break up, and then there would be the movie montage set to a top-40 song where she would be hanging out with friends, cooking for one and other different "single" milestones. After discovering how wonderful she is being single, she would meet the charming stranger, or my favorite, realizing her guy friend was the right one all along. Of course this character would be played by Josh Duhamel. They would fall madly in love and the movie would end with a romantic kiss.

But, my life isn't a cheesy romantic comedy. It's more of a boring documentary, and Morgan Freeman isn't even the voice-over. My wounds are still fresh, and honestly, I don't know how to heal them. I pray that I could let go of my ex-husband - of his memory, they way things were, etc, but I haven't yet. There have been times when my heart almost catches up to my head, but then something happens to pull my heart back to the pain.

Honestly, I feel like if I could find someone new, it would help heal the pain. But, I fear that it would only be a temporary fix. Once the band-aid falls off, the open wound would still be there. I guess I have to let the wound heal on its time. It's painful, and sometimes my ex-husband and his girlfriend like to rub salt in my wound, like tonight, but I just have to learn to keep the wound clean and let it heal in due time. And once it's healed, I will be complete again, but not without a scar.

For those who are reading this, I want to ask to pray for me. I have been a fog since the start of my divorce. My head and heart hurt. Sometimes I over think my life, situation and every decision I have made to the point of dizziness. What I pray for, and ask the same of you, is for complete healing. I want to scream out "Why, God? Why would you want any of your children to suffer? Why must I go through this?" I know it seems kind of selfish and petty, considering all of the suffering in the world, but it's what I think.

I like to tell myself that I will look back on this time in a couple of years, hopefully, and be thankful for these hard times, because I wouldn't be where I am without enduring this period of my life. But I fear that it won't be like that. I also pray for the right man to come my way. I pray that his heart will be molded to fit mine, that I will be able to let go of my baggage so I can enter a new relationship with a fresh start. I want him to understand my insecurities and not run when he learns I have a daughter. I pray that he will respect me and be my best friend.

I wish to stop talking to my ex and realize there is nothing that can change the past. Did you know that I never had second thoughts about marrying Dusty? I think I knew from the first day I was with him that it was going to be forever. Sometimes I am still so shocked that he was able to hurt me the way he did, but it has taught me a lot for the next time. I want to focus on the present. I don't want to fret over the past or worry about the future.

Lessons from Mommy

Dear Piper,

Mommy has learned many tough lessons this year, which someday, when you're old enough, I will talk to you about. But for right now, I want to pass on a few tidbits of wisdom to you:

- It's okay to have high expectations and big dreams - it keeps you reaching for the stars.
- Life truly is a journey, not a destination. There's not one specific point in life you must reach by a certain time. It's all the stops, road bumps, detours and people you meet along the way.
- Find at least one good thing about every person you meet.
- Be thankful every day for what you have.
- Pray. Pray without ceasing. He's listening, I promise.
- Smile at least once a day.
- Make lots of friends, but don't be afraid to be independent.
- Be slow to fall in love, and be careful about who you give your heart to. But when you do find the one, and you'll know, never give up. Love is not easy and it's not always fun, but it's worth it.
- Learn self-defense - you never know when you might need it.
- Be honest and always work hard. You may not get everything you want, but you can hold your head up high.

Progress

For anyone who knows me or for those few faithful readers of this blog, let me apologize in advance for sounding like a broken record.

Recovering from my divorce has been such a healing process. I am still mourning the death of my marriage, my family. There's ups and downs. "Ah-ha" moments and tearful moments. Happiness and anger. Relief and frustration. I have felt it all, and sometimes in the same day.

After my "eye-opening" day last week, which included several harsh, but much- appreciated, pep-talks from a few of my friends, I am standing a little taller. Which brings me to my latest step forward.

Last night, my mind started racing and thinking about my ex-husband. My chest, once again, started to ache. The fire of anger began to kindle in the pit of my stomach. How can anyone hurt someone he loves, or even half-way like, the way he hurt me? Why is he the family man with his girlfriend and her three kids instead of with us? What do they have that we don't?

As I reached for my phone to ask him for the millionth "How could you do this to me?," I put the phone down. There's nothing he can say that can un-do what he did. There's no right answer to that question. What's done is done. He's the one that has to live with what he did - I know that I was a wonderful, faithful wife to him. To quote Blair Waldorf said on Gossip Girl, "Once men have tasted caviar, it baffles me that they settle for catfish."

For the first time in a long time, I fell asleep quickly last night. And slept the whole night.