Internal Struggle

I am having an internal battle.  The romantic part of me is sitting patiently behind the wall the independent part has built, waiting for her knight to knock it down and bring her flowers.  Independent me tells Romantic me to shut up and continues to lay bricks, building the wall higher and higher.  Romantic me tells Independent me not to give up. 

I want to truly believe I am worthy of respect - because I am, but yet I seem to chase after those who treat me badly.  Why is that?!  Because I think I don't deserve to be treated well? Because I don't know any different? Because I'm scared of getting hurt?  Because I'm guarding my heart? 

My head says that I am ready for a real relationship, but my heart runs and hides at the thought of it.  It's all so confusing and overwhelming.  I think too much.  I need a good night's sleep. 

Alone v. Single

Without consciously knowing it, I have always considered "alone" and "single" interchangeable words. But they aren't.

I'm single, but I am NOT alone. I have my daughter who is my everything, my pride and joy, my legacy. I have my family who are always there for me and have seen me through some tough times. And, I also have my friends who are like family, who tell me like it is even when I don't want to hear it, and who fill my life with laughter.

There are pros and cons to being single. Yes, I may have some lonely moments, and there are times when I dread going to events and being the only single one there, but I know I am so blessed with all the people in my life. In fact, when I was married, I was more alone than I am today.

And I know that God hears my prayers every night, and He is preparing that special one for me. One who will find my quirks adorbs and not annoying. Someone who is compatible with my Type-A personality. Someone who encourages and supports me, and doesn't criticize. And someone who has prayed for me.

Advice

Below is a list of repeated bits of advice that have begun to wear on my nerves (but no offense to those who give this advice):

1. Stop looking for love, and it will find you - This is my favorite one to hate. One day, am I just going to say, "to hell with love," and then Prince Charming is going to knock on my door?
   
   Of course there is always a part of me that dreams about finding Mr. Right. This doesn't mean that I'm desperately searching for someone. I'm not going to the bars every night, I haven't joined every online dating site there is.
   
   It means that I pray for love. I pray for my heart. I pray for my possible future husband's heart. And I pray that we will know, without a doubt, when we find each other. I was reminded yesterday of Ephesians 5: 22-33, which is a beautiful description of what marriage should be. And that's what I pray for.



2. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you - It boils down to self-esteem, which is admittedly a struggle for me at times. But, I think self-esteem ebbs and flows and is never ending.
   
   I am constantly trying to better myself, so this is an on-going process for me. Technically, I will never be completely satisfied with myself, but isn't this what keeps one motivated to be a better person? But, overall, I think I'm pretty awesome.
   


3. Everything happens for a reason - I will admit that I was once a firm believer in this phrase. I'm not so sure anymore. I believe some things happen for a reason, and sometimes, to quote Forrest Gump, "shit happens."
   
   Do I think God wanted my ex to have an affair? No. But, God gives us free-will and a brain. And my ex used his free will and brain to choose to cheat on me.
   
   And, through prayer, I chose to leave an unhealthy marriage. My thought is maybe God knew that my ex would never be faithful to me. That he was poison to me and he would always be an absent father to our daughter. And so He saved me from a lifetime of frustration and pain and freed me by giving me peace and comfort with my decision. And I am so thankful.
   


4. Your happiness does not depend on someone else - It doesn't, but I believe that my happiness would be enhanced with the right person.
   
   Companionship is one of our humanly needs. Like food, water and shelter. Take the movie Castaway, the main character created a friend out of a Wilson volleyball (I guess this is a Tom Hanks - themed post). And who didn't cry when Wilson was lost at sea?
   
   
   Obviously, I can make it on my own. I have essentially raised my daughter alone since she was born, I have lived on my own for more than two years, so I know I can make it alone. But, I am human, I am a woman, and I desire that adult interaction some days.
   
   It would be nice to come home and share my day with another adult. (However, it is quite adorable when Piper asks me "What did you do today?" at the dinner table.) When Piper is sick in the middle of the night, and I'm not sure what to do, it would be nice to have someone to consult.
   
   When the doctor office calls to remind me to get a follow-up ultrasound on my breast because of the "unknown mass" that was found a year ago (even though I told them that was my breast), and I avoid it like the plague because I'm scared of cancer that has been a wild tornado all around me, taking people left and right, I would like someone to hug me. I would like to have a Wilson in my life.
   


5. Get over it, and move on - The wounds that my ex left cut deep, and I doubt I will ever get over what he did.
   
   The pain his actions caused taught me some very tough lessons, but lessons I needed to learn. My divorce experience opened my eyes, made me stronger and keeps me grounded. After immersing myself into Momastery, she helped me realize that I am thankful I went through the pain I did, as horrific and terrible as it seemed at the time. For three reasons:
   
   1) If I felt indifference and apathy during my divorce, that would mean that I never really cared for my ex. It would mean that I spent 8 years with someone I didn't really love. It would mean that I had a child with someone I had no feelings for. I will never know his feelings on the matter, but I know now that those are his demons to fight, not mine.
   
   2) I am not quick to fall for someone. I am naive and lived a shelter life, so going through a divorce because of a cheating husband at the age of 27 was kind of a shock to me (and to my family). But, I learned the hard way not to believe everything everyone says. I have learned my worth, and I don't have to settle. My confidence has actually improved since the divorce.
   
   3) I learned I am not perfect. And that's OK. No one is. Hindsight is 20/20, and I can see that I wasn't perfect in my marriage (but I am no way justifying my cheating ex-husband.) But, I have learned the true meaning of "pick your battles," and "don't sweat the small stuff."
   
   I was talking to a friend about the imaginary (or maybe not so imaginary) list that most of us women have when it comes to qualities we want in a man. I told her that I don't think anyone will match my entire list, and she said, "no, but shoot for 90%."

On the other hand, here are some things I do like to hear:

1. "You're awesome"



2. "Your ex left you for her. What a dumbass."



3. "You're so much better off."



4. "You are going find someone so wonderful."



5. "Here's some wine."

Happily Ever After?

I was drifting off to sleep the other night when it hit me that I have a second chance at being happy. Not just happy, but ridiculously happy. All those couples that I admire, and all those romantic comedies I cry at - I might be like that someday. To me, that thought makes me as happy as the thought of winning the lottery. And in a sense, finding that "someone" is winning the lottery.

So, to my winning lottery ticket - I may already know you, I may not, or you may just remain in my dreams. But, I pray for you. I promise to cherish you and appreciate you. I will respect you and honor you. And just the thought of the idea of you makes me giddy. I can't wait to meet the man God has prepared for me.

Love story

After watching the umpteenth episode of Sex and the City, (yes, I know I am more than a decade behind) I was thinking about "real-life" happy couples I know personally, and I realized how they each have their own unique story. Imperfect perfection. I find myself waiting for that perfect first date, or to be saved my a prince on a white horse, or to experience love at first sight, and then I wake up to the real world, not a Disney movie.

Love stories are not some concrete equation. They are more like creative writing assignments. So, with this realization, I vow to stop impatiently waiting for the perfect love story, but instead enjoy the journey of my story.

The Dating Game

I have been thrown into this whole new realm called "dating." And I hate it. In theory, I think it's great - getting dressed up, waiting anxiously for your date to arrive, then making him wait until you are ready to go, going to dinner and a movie, the romantic first kiss...but let's be real, how often do dates really happen like that??

I didn't date that much in high school, and then Dusty and I began our relationship during my freshman year of college, so it would be safe to call me a dating rookie.

I hate the games...girl meets boy, boy and girl flirt, girl and boy exchange numbers, girl hopes boy will call, girl obsessively checks phone, text, email...And when boy finally calls, girl doesn't say what she wants to say, she says what boy wants to hear. And 99% of the time, boy is doing the same.

I don't do the games - I don't have the time, know-how or energy - and it may be my downfall or it could be my betterment. I am who I am - smart, honest, spastic, single-mom, great friend, bad cook, scorned but ready to trust again - and I know there is a perfect fit for me out there somewhere...

New attitude

I just realized something...when I was with Dusty and I would see happy couples, and I would get jealous. I would be angry because I didn't have that. I had someone that I had to bribe to take a photo with me. I was with someone who didn't know a thing about me. I was in love with someone who didn't love me back. I had to force myself to smile. But now, I can hear about, or read about, happy couples, and I smile. Not only for them, but for myself, because I have hope that it can happen to me.

To me, you are perfect

I love the movie "Love Actually" - I watch it just to watch the scene above. I obviously wasn't perfect to my ex. Sunday will mark one year since I officially considered us as "separated." It was a shitty way to start 2010, let me tell you. I look back at the resolutions I made last year, and I feel like that kid in class that just doesn't care to do his homework. It is the third day of the year, and I have no desire to make any resolutions for 2011.

But back to being perfect...

Now that I have been separated from Dusty, and my relationship with him, for almost a year, I see what we had in a whole new light. I am seeing how unhealthy we were. When I was with him, I thought what we had worked. But, now that the blinders have been removed, I feel like such a weight has been lifted. I want a partner the next time. I want someone who knows me, and continues to learn about me. I want the next one to know when I leave for work, what my favorite dessert is and other little idiosyncrasies about me. I want someone who will share household chores with me. He may not be perfect to everyone, but to me, he will be perfect.

And you know what's sad? Is there is a chunk of "my wasted heart" that doesn't think I deserve someone like that, or maybe I just think there isn't such a man out there. I'm not ready to rush into anything, and who knows if 2011 will be my year, but I know my confidence is much higher than this time last year. I guess my resolution for 2011 is to not have expectations, or a timeline, or a plan for what my life should be...I just want to let it be.

No need to settle

I have heard the advice that the next time around, I shouldn't settle, not even a little. I listened to this advice and shook my head with agreement, but it wasn't until recently did it really soak in. And I am truly understanding what it is to find myself and what I want in a mate. I have a fresh start, a blank slate, to be ridiculously happy. I have the chance to find a person who understands me, makes me laugh, spoils me a little, loves my daughter, and even takes out the trash! He's out there, and he has...

Looks like Josh Duhamel

Humor of Daniel Tosh

Quirky adorableness of John Krasinski

The voice (and eyes) of Jared Leto

And the intense romantic nature of Edward Cullen


OK, so maybe those standards are a little high, but it's fun to dream!