You know what bothers me the most about my divorce? It's the lies. I've lost count of how many lies Dusty has told me over the past year. I want to cry, scream and yell everytime I learn about another lie of his, but what good would it do? I believed him when he would take Piper out for a few hours on a weeknight to give me a break, and she come home in a a diaper that wasn't in her bag. He would say, "Oh, some woman was at the park and saw that I needed a diaper." LIE. When he would bring Piper home late on a Saturday, and she smelled like another woman, "Oh, it must be this new lotion I got." LIE. But at the time, I believed everything he said, maybe because I didn't want to face the truth or maybe because I really did believe him.
I don't know if Dusty will really truly understand the unconditional love I had for him. And it's not like I fell out of love with him, I was shoved. I had to stop loving him to protect myself from all the pain. I didn't completely stop loving him, because there will always be a broken piece of my heart that belongs to him. But if he really knew how I felt about him, if he only knew how many moments in my day were consumed by thinking about him, if he could trade one moment of my life with his own, I don't think he could've hurt me the way he did. I am convinced that he will never understand how I felt about him. The Dusty that I see now is a shell of the man I married. The man I married was my best friend, brutally honest but endearing. And I cannot believe how much he has changed.
God did not intend for half of all marriages to end in divorce. Marriage is a covenant. You don't vow "for better or until things get a little tough and I find someone else." I found the following verse that has helped me:
"Jesus said, 'Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hard heartedness, but it is not part of God's original plan. I'm holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery.'" Matthew 19: 8-9
I can tell that I have healed some over the past 6 months. Like I've mentioned, my heart is getting stronger and doesn't ache as often. There are times when I take one step forward and two steps back, but at least I am moving again and not standing still. And with healing, comes lessons learned and reflections.
First, I am slow to believe anything people say. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe not, but I just don't believe everything that's told to me anymore. Second, I don't think I will let myself fall in love so easily again. The downside to this is that I could miss something really great that is staring right at me. Third, I am a caretaker. I enjoy taking care of those I care about. I like buying gifts for my friends. I like doing those little things that can brighten someone's day. This is what I do, and there will be someone who appreciates that. Lastly, I am stronger than I thought.
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