Contradictions

Carpe Diem, but good things come to those who wait.  Don't be afraid to tell someone how you feel, but hold your feelings inside and don't give away too much.  In this day and age, it's okay to ask a guy out.  Make the guy chase you.  Be yourself, but only in certain circumstances. 

Life is full of contradictions.  One friend will tell me something, and another, the complete opposite.  And since I love and respect all the people I let into my life, I take what they say into serious consideration.  As one can imagine, sometimes, my head feels like it is going to explode.   

If you don't want to read about my pity-party, or hear me rant and complain, I suggest you hit the little "x" in the upper-right hand corner.  Consider yourself warned.

I'm tired, damn it.  I'm lonely.  I'm impatient.  I want someone to tell me what is wrong with me (although that is a loaded question).  It's a struggle, because my heart knows that there is a reason I'm still single, but my head cannot figure out why. 

It's tough being a single parent.  Real tough.  And by no means, am I saying I want to find someone so I can have a dad for Piper - just to be clear.  But, jeez.  For example, I've been sick for a couple of days now, and trying to take care of a hyper four-year old alone while running a fever is not exactly fun. 

And then, I seem to run across articles or conversations emphasizing the importance of a father figure in children's lives.  Well, hell!  I had Piper while I was married, but her dad was the one that ran away, and now I have society shaking her finger at me!?  I don't want Piper's version of a father-figure to be a liar and a cheater.  Frustrating!  Thankfully, I have a wonderful father that has been a constant role-model in my daughter's life. 

I wish I could be super-mom, but the reality is I'm not.  And probably never will be.  Thanks to Pinterest, I am constantly reminded that I will never make sandwiches for Piper in the shape of animals.  I will never make my own pop-tarts.  If I cook a meal that doesn't burn, I consider it a success.  Cooking period is a success.  Being a single parent, you have to learn how to balance everything - time, money, emotions.  And it is a struggle! 

I need a nap.  And wine.

Internal Struggle

I am having an internal battle.  The romantic part of me is sitting patiently behind the wall the independent part has built, waiting for her knight to knock it down and bring her flowers.  Independent me tells Romantic me to shut up and continues to lay bricks, building the wall higher and higher.  Romantic me tells Independent me not to give up. 

I want to truly believe I am worthy of respect - because I am, but yet I seem to chase after those who treat me badly.  Why is that?!  Because I think I don't deserve to be treated well? Because I don't know any different? Because I'm scared of getting hurt?  Because I'm guarding my heart? 

My head says that I am ready for a real relationship, but my heart runs and hides at the thought of it.  It's all so confusing and overwhelming.  I think too much.  I need a good night's sleep. 

Alone v. Single

Without consciously knowing it, I have always considered "alone" and "single" interchangeable words. But they aren't.

I'm single, but I am NOT alone. I have my daughter who is my everything, my pride and joy, my legacy. I have my family who are always there for me and have seen me through some tough times. And, I also have my friends who are like family, who tell me like it is even when I don't want to hear it, and who fill my life with laughter.

There are pros and cons to being single. Yes, I may have some lonely moments, and there are times when I dread going to events and being the only single one there, but I know I am so blessed with all the people in my life. In fact, when I was married, I was more alone than I am today.

And I know that God hears my prayers every night, and He is preparing that special one for me. One who will find my quirks adorbs and not annoying. Someone who is compatible with my Type-A personality. Someone who encourages and supports me, and doesn't criticize. And someone who has prayed for me.

Resolution Review - Months 2 & 3

Finish the Harry Potter series: A+. I finished the last book mid-February, and I feel like I went through a break-up. No lie. Since leaving Hogwarts, I have read The Hunger Games (awesome), White Girl Problems (hilarious!) and I am currently on The Help (excellent). And, I noticed I read a lot of books that are made into movies...


Stick to my budget: C. I was good in February, but March was full of birthdays, birthday parties, clothes shopping... I should give myself an "F" for March, but I am going to average the two months.


Organize and Clean: B. Still working on this, but I am doing better. And now that the last "big" (for now) project (flooring in my bonus room), I can really focus on clearing out the clutter.


Pray more - A. My heart is becoming more complete by the day.

Me, Myself and I

March is a bittersweet month for me. My birthday and my daughter's birthday falls in the third month, but it also my would-be wedding anniversary and ironically, my divorcerary (totally made that word up, but I think it is going to catch on.) All of these milestones inevitably bring on self-reflection, self-pity and self-confidence each year.

My ex missed his daughter's birthday this year, because he and his girlfriend went on vacation or something. He called her the morning of her birthday, so it's not like he totally forgot, but he did give up time with her on that day to do other things. A friend of mine asked me, "doesn't it make you mad, that he goes on vacation with her, but never did with you?" And I confidently said "No, not really." Two years ago - most definitely, one year ago - probably, but this year - no way!


It's moments like these that allow me to see how much I've grown. My confidence and my self-worth are growing on a daily basis, and that is an awesome feeling. I like how my friend describes one's life as a cake, and one's partner is just icing on the cake, and it is so true. More and more, I am discovering what I enjoy (reading), what I am good at (yoga), and what makes me smile (shopping). I am defining myself and learning my self-worth, I have two closets all to myself and I can be as OCD and Type-A as I want to be.


But no doubt, my cake probably needs to bake a little longer and then cool, because you know when you put icing on a cake too soon, and it gets all melty and not pretty...I don't want that.

My week off

I decided to utilize some vacation days for mine and Piper's birthdays. For the past three years, I have considered Piper's birthday a national holiday and skipped work to enjoy the day with her. This year, her birthday was on a Sunday. My birthday was a week before. So, I thought, why not take the whole week off? I haven't had that much time off since maternity leave, and let's be honest, who considers that a "vacation?"

I didn't have any big trips planned, nothing spectacular, just some time off to sleep late, catch up on my DVR, finish The Hunger Games, oh, and prepare for Piper's birthday festivities.

Saturday - March 3 marked my 29th birthday. I had a great day! I went shopping with one of my favorite people, and then finished the day surrounded by friends (and Vegas Bombs) at a local bar. I had a great time! Honestly, it was the best birthday in a decade. True story.

Sunday - HUNGOVER

Monday - Wednesday - Uneventful. I cleaned my house (for those who know me, know this is relaxation to me), went shopping (again) and spent some quality time with Piper.

Thursday - Mommy and Piper's Day-of-Fun. I took her to the Children's Museum of Houston and she LOVED it! I would ask her if she was ready to leave, and she said, "No, I want to stay here." After the museum, we went to the Rain Forest Cafe in the Galleria, with the intention of going to Build-A-Bear after our tummies were full. Once I realized that Build A Bear was on the complete opposite side of the Galleria, and Piper said "Can we go home now," we went home. I wasn't going to push my luck, Piper was such a trooper all day and behaved so well, and I knew a melt-down would happen if I dragged her all over the Galleria.

Friday - When I moved into my house a year ago, I ripped up the carpet in the garage-turned-room, and we (and by "we," I mean my dad, while Piper and I watched) finally laid the floor down on Friday. I went with "resilient flooring" that looks like cork. My dad did a great job, and I am so pleased with it. Pictures soon - I promise!

Saturday - Piper's birthday party. I wanted to have just a small gathering for her birthday. The weather was unpleasant, I was stressed, but the kids still had fun. Piper slept for 13 hours that night.

Sunday - Sunday was Piper's actual birthday. I had this whole day planned for her. My parents and I were going to take her to lunch and Build-A-Bear. And then I was reminded why I don't like to plan. First, as we were about to leave, my brother called my dad and said he was running fever, etc. and needed someone to drive him to Urgent Care. Being the saint that my dad is, he took him, and I am glad that our day was delayed...

While mom, Piper and I were waiting at my house for my dad to return, the sewer backed up in my bathroom. Let me rewind for a sec, mother nature was making up for the drought she gave us over the summer and sent down about a bajillion inches of rain on Sunday. This meant that the city's lift stations were full or something...all I know is that it was gross.

I cleaned up the mess not once, but twice. I used a shop vac and bleach, all the while thinking how tough and awesome I am for doing such dirty work all by myself. And then on the third time, the toilet overflowed and dirty water was standing on my bathroom floor and flowed into the hallway onto my 60-year-old original hardwood floors. At first, denial set in and I just stared at the mess in utter disbelief. Then, I did what I always do in unpleasant situations - I yelled, cried, threw some things and then called St. Dad.

St. Dad calmly cleaned up the mess, had me call the city to report the problem, and lovingly told me there was no point in me being there because there was nothing I could do. In other words, he could see me on the edge of a mental breakdown and was preventing me from having a stroke. After a few deep breaths, I decided this was my daughter's 4th birthday, and I won't get this day back. So, I took lessons from the two Yoga classes I've taken and left my "shitty" situation (pun intended) for a while and celebrated Piper's birthday.

As a parent and a daughter, I admire my dad so much. I think about how in one day, he helped my brother when he was sick and then immediately helped me and my disgusting situation, without complaint. When Piper and I got home from dinner, my bathroom was spotless and sanitized, and I was beyond thankful for wonderful parents, an amazing child and a beautiful life.

Matters of the heart

When I was pregnant with Piper, nearly FOUR* years ago, I was diagnosed with Pregnancy-Induced Hypertension. However, after I gave birth to my precious child, the "Pregnancy-Induced" Hypertension became "Chronic" Hypertension. And I have been on meds ever since.

According to Wikipedia, "[Hypertension] requires the heart to work harder than normal to circulate blood through the blood vessels."

Work harder than normal.

My heart has been through a lot in the last four years, and even more so in the last two. It has been abused, neglected and hurt, but it has also loved beyond measure. And it keeps on pumping. In fact, it has fought for the last two years and hasn't given up.

I went in for my semi-annual visit to the Cardiologist this week, and was relieved when my blood pressure reading was normal, and then some. So much so that the doc has lowered my meds. I feel like the wounds in my heart are healing and it doesn't have to work so hard anymore.

*Piper will be FOUR on March 11. I still cannot believe it. Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I've done the math to make sure she is really going to be FOUR YEARS OLD!!

Advice

Below is a list of repeated bits of advice that have begun to wear on my nerves (but no offense to those who give this advice):

1. Stop looking for love, and it will find you - This is my favorite one to hate. One day, am I just going to say, "to hell with love," and then Prince Charming is going to knock on my door?
   
   Of course there is always a part of me that dreams about finding Mr. Right. This doesn't mean that I'm desperately searching for someone. I'm not going to the bars every night, I haven't joined every online dating site there is.
   
   It means that I pray for love. I pray for my heart. I pray for my possible future husband's heart. And I pray that we will know, without a doubt, when we find each other. I was reminded yesterday of Ephesians 5: 22-33, which is a beautiful description of what marriage should be. And that's what I pray for.



2. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you - It boils down to self-esteem, which is admittedly a struggle for me at times. But, I think self-esteem ebbs and flows and is never ending.
   
   I am constantly trying to better myself, so this is an on-going process for me. Technically, I will never be completely satisfied with myself, but isn't this what keeps one motivated to be a better person? But, overall, I think I'm pretty awesome.
   


3. Everything happens for a reason - I will admit that I was once a firm believer in this phrase. I'm not so sure anymore. I believe some things happen for a reason, and sometimes, to quote Forrest Gump, "shit happens."
   
   Do I think God wanted my ex to have an affair? No. But, God gives us free-will and a brain. And my ex used his free will and brain to choose to cheat on me.
   
   And, through prayer, I chose to leave an unhealthy marriage. My thought is maybe God knew that my ex would never be faithful to me. That he was poison to me and he would always be an absent father to our daughter. And so He saved me from a lifetime of frustration and pain and freed me by giving me peace and comfort with my decision. And I am so thankful.
   


4. Your happiness does not depend on someone else - It doesn't, but I believe that my happiness would be enhanced with the right person.
   
   Companionship is one of our humanly needs. Like food, water and shelter. Take the movie Castaway, the main character created a friend out of a Wilson volleyball (I guess this is a Tom Hanks - themed post). And who didn't cry when Wilson was lost at sea?
   
   
   Obviously, I can make it on my own. I have essentially raised my daughter alone since she was born, I have lived on my own for more than two years, so I know I can make it alone. But, I am human, I am a woman, and I desire that adult interaction some days.
   
   It would be nice to come home and share my day with another adult. (However, it is quite adorable when Piper asks me "What did you do today?" at the dinner table.) When Piper is sick in the middle of the night, and I'm not sure what to do, it would be nice to have someone to consult.
   
   When the doctor office calls to remind me to get a follow-up ultrasound on my breast because of the "unknown mass" that was found a year ago (even though I told them that was my breast), and I avoid it like the plague because I'm scared of cancer that has been a wild tornado all around me, taking people left and right, I would like someone to hug me. I would like to have a Wilson in my life.
   


5. Get over it, and move on - The wounds that my ex left cut deep, and I doubt I will ever get over what he did.
   
   The pain his actions caused taught me some very tough lessons, but lessons I needed to learn. My divorce experience opened my eyes, made me stronger and keeps me grounded. After immersing myself into Momastery, she helped me realize that I am thankful I went through the pain I did, as horrific and terrible as it seemed at the time. For three reasons:
   
   1) If I felt indifference and apathy during my divorce, that would mean that I never really cared for my ex. It would mean that I spent 8 years with someone I didn't really love. It would mean that I had a child with someone I had no feelings for. I will never know his feelings on the matter, but I know now that those are his demons to fight, not mine.
   
   2) I am not quick to fall for someone. I am naive and lived a shelter life, so going through a divorce because of a cheating husband at the age of 27 was kind of a shock to me (and to my family). But, I learned the hard way not to believe everything everyone says. I have learned my worth, and I don't have to settle. My confidence has actually improved since the divorce.
   
   3) I learned I am not perfect. And that's OK. No one is. Hindsight is 20/20, and I can see that I wasn't perfect in my marriage (but I am no way justifying my cheating ex-husband.) But, I have learned the true meaning of "pick your battles," and "don't sweat the small stuff."
   
   I was talking to a friend about the imaginary (or maybe not so imaginary) list that most of us women have when it comes to qualities we want in a man. I told her that I don't think anyone will match my entire list, and she said, "no, but shoot for 90%."

On the other hand, here are some things I do like to hear:

1. "You're awesome"



2. "Your ex left you for her. What a dumbass."



3. "You're so much better off."



4. "You are going find someone so wonderful."



5. "Here's some wine."

Many hats...

I can't remember how the quote goes, exactly, but there was an episode of SATC in which Carrie said something along the lines of the best way to get your mind off of a man, is to start a project (and then she painting her kitchen).

In my case, I have created projects - or "phases" as I refer to them - to get my mind off of lack of a man.

In the past year, I have wanted to remodel a house, party like it's 1999, become an extreme couponer, have a clean and organized home, be a budget-friendly fashionista, cook and freeze meals for the month, become a DIY-pro, and most recently - start a healthy lifestyle.

At first, these obsessions seem quite random to me, but then further thought had me realize that they are just steps to self-discovery. Through these different tasks, I am finding out what I enjoy, what I am good at (and not so good at), what relaxes me, and what stresses me out.

It's great being able to focus on myself, and my daughter, and how to better our life. For so long, my main concentration was D. I forgot who I was and what I enjoyed, in hopes to make him happy. But now, I am rediscovering myself, and having fun at the same time. And I am finally (and obsessively) reading the Harry Potter series - and I LOVE it!!

Letter to myself

Dear self,

I know you get sad sometimes, and that's OK, but I will not allow you to let the sadness consume your life. You have so much. A perfect daughter. A supportive family. Wonderful, amazing friends. A good job. A house. Your health. Your child's health. Food on the table. Over-flowing closets. Life is good.

Yes, you're single. So what? Look at everything you've accomplished since being single. You have grown and learned so much. You are discovering who you are. You are realizing how much you are worth and what you deserve. You are not settling - on anything. You don't have to answer to anyone. You can paint the walls of your house any color you want.

Be thankful, self, for everything you have. Be grateful for all the lessons you have learned. Don't be so eager to see what the future has for you - enjoy the present and soak in every moment. Stop beating yourself up over the past - let it make your better, not bitter. And most of all - relax - everything is going to be fine.

Love,
yourself

Summer o' Fun

I started this blog a month before Piper turned 1, and she's now almost 3 1/2. If you're reading this, you know what a whirlwind of a journey it has been for me.

Piper during one of our many beach trips.

At first, I wanted to use this blog to document my daughter's cuteness. It then progressed into an outlet for me during my divorce. And then, I had every intention to use it as a diary for my house make-over. Considering I've only shown you one room so far, it's safe to say that I have failed at that goal. But, to my defense it is the only room that is blog-worthy and we are making progress, and hopefully I will return to showing the strides we have made soon.

But, for now, I want to share what an awesome summer I've had. My friend and I refer to it as the "summer o' fun." However, it wasn't all fun. At the beginning of the summer, I went through some difficult things, but am better now because of them. My 10-year high school reunion was at the end of June, and I reunited with some friends - and made new friends - that have brightened my life. They are the type of friends that sitcoms are based on. And I am so lucky that I can call them my friends. (Wow, that sounded right out of a Disney made-for-t.v. movie.)

The only picture I got at the reunion. Wine may have been a factor.

I use to be such a planner. I had to know who, what, when, where and why. And if I began running more than 10 minutes late, I was at the risk of a stroke. I didn't like spontaneity. Sometimes, I would plan my day by the hour. No lie. Some may even say OCD or Anal Retentive, and both are close to accurate.

This summer, I have learned to not make plans. Don't get me wrong, I understand that some plans are good and necessary, but as far as "what are you going to do this weekend?," my answer has been, "I don't know, I'll just play it by ear."


July 4th festivities = Fun.

Watching a dodgeball tournament in the extreme HEAT. But still had a blast.

Celebrating a friend's birthday in Houston.

Enjoying yummy Peach Chardonnay at a wine bar.

There are more unfinished projects at my house than I can count. The laundry fairy often passes my house - probably because the dish fairy told her to. And all the toys are never put up at the same time. But it's OK. It's OK because no one ever says on her deathbed, "I wish I would've done the dishes more." And I'd rather have the memories that I gained this summer than the memory of folding laundry.

How did I get so lucky?

After a busy holiday weekend, Piper and I just relaxed yesterday. I did some laundry and other chores while she watched The Princess and the Frog non-stop. During one of the last scenes when the prince and princess are dancing, Piper came up to me and said "I want to dance like a ballerina," and she grabbed my hand and put her other hand on my waist, and we danced. And I cried.

Too often, I am overwhelmed when I try to balance everything - child, faith, family, career, friends, home - and then my precious three-year-old grabs my hand and reminds me that I need to stop and dance every now and then.

Update

Here is a quick update of what has been going on in my little world:

Piper - Two words: POTTY TRAINED! Woot!! I was beginning to feel pressure from society that she was three years old and not potty-trained. On the other hand, I had very wise parents telling me that she will learn in her own time. And she did. Piper has been through a lot of change in the last year. We have moved twice and her parents got a divorce. I didn't force potty training, and with the help of the village that raises her, she got it. And it is so exciting.

I still can't believe she's three years old. I look at her and I watch as she learns and grows and thinks, and I get tears every time. She is growing up so fast, and I just want to hold onto her as long as I can. I savor every single hug from her, and I am constantly thanking the Good Lord for blessing me with such an amazing child.

The House - Still under construction, but we are getting there. Let me refer to the title of my blog - How do you eat an elephant? Answer - One bite at a time. I get overwhelmed at times, and I have to remember to breath and take one project at a time. I will post pictures and updates soon, I promise.

Eh...

So, I thought I was doing well, but the few days since my last post have been spent in a weird mood. Yes, I have reached the one year mark of the end of my marriage, but it is also the one-year anniversary since the death of my marriage.

And the death of my marriage was slow and painful. It was six months of fighting, praying and holding onto any smidgen of hope I could find. And then the plug was pulled...and the marriage flat-lined.

I blame my emotional roller coaster on a trifecta of emotions - turning a year older, one year since the end of my marriage, and that monthly visit from a certain annoying aunt.

525,600 minutes

Who doesn't love a good Rent reference?

My divorce may have been final in June, but the drama started a year ago. Signing the divorce papers was just a formality. It was everything leading up to that final act that was horrible.

My now ex-husband's then-girlfriend told me about their affair last year the day before my birthday. I remember the sinking feeling I had when I found out. I remember being paralyzed with shock. I also remember thinking how I wished I could just fast-forward a year to get past all of the pain and stress...and now that I've hit that year mark, I can confidently say I am happy and it was well-worth the journey.

The last 525,600 moments of my life have been moments filled with pain, regret, confusion, anger - lots of anger, joy, drama, happiness, relief, sadness, confidence, depression, acceptance, denial. In the last 525,600 moments, I have rekindled friendships, turned men down, tried new foods, began to realize who I am, sold a house, lost 20 pounds and gained 10 back, moved into my very own place for the first time, seen my daughter grow another year.

As I reach my 28th birthday, there is a part (the woe-is-me part) of me that says, "What do I have to show for myself at 28?" And there is another part (the strong, independent part) that says let me tell you what I have - I have my self-esteem, a home, food on the table, a steady paycheck, health insurance, family, friends, and wisdom. And I don't have an unsupportive husband who emotionally abuses me, cheats, lies, and runs all over me. I am not in a one-sided relationship in which I am unhappy and lost. I now know what I want out of life, myself and a man. And most of all, I have my beautiful, caring, sweet, amazing daughter that brings more joy and happiness in my life than anything else.

Love story

After watching the umpteenth episode of Sex and the City, (yes, I know I am more than a decade behind) I was thinking about "real-life" happy couples I know personally, and I realized how they each have their own unique story. Imperfect perfection. I find myself waiting for that perfect first date, or to be saved my a prince on a white horse, or to experience love at first sight, and then I wake up to the real world, not a Disney movie.

Love stories are not some concrete equation. They are more like creative writing assignments. So, with this realization, I vow to stop impatiently waiting for the perfect love story, but instead enjoy the journey of my story.

Valentine's Day

Yuck. I hate Valentine's Day. I think it's pointless - a total Hallmark holiday so retailers can charge outrageous amounts for otherwise inexpensive flowers and chocolates. I will admit that this Valentine's Day I received a good gift - peace. I finally felt OK with not being with my ex. My eyes are opening more and more each day to see what he is, and I am so glad that I'm with that anymore.

My everything

I love my daughter more than I can ever describe. If I didn't have her, I wouldn't have anything. I need Piper more than she needs me. On days that I don't want to get out of bed, she doesn't let me. Literally - she will scream at me until I get out of bed. She never says no to a hug from mommy, and every time it warms my soul.

I should be so proud of myself for being a single, working mom, providing a life for my daughter and myself, but instead I am scared to death. There are times that I am paralyzed by fear. I recently made a pretty important life decision (I don't want to discuss it because I'm afraid I'll jinx it and I'm weird like that), and instead of feeling excited, I am in tears. Loneliness and despair have been all around me, while confidence and strength sit on the sideline. And it's hard to get past the negativity at times, but she reminds me of all I have to be thankful for.

The Dating Game

I have been thrown into this whole new realm called "dating." And I hate it. In theory, I think it's great - getting dressed up, waiting anxiously for your date to arrive, then making him wait until you are ready to go, going to dinner and a movie, the romantic first kiss...but let's be real, how often do dates really happen like that??

I didn't date that much in high school, and then Dusty and I began our relationship during my freshman year of college, so it would be safe to call me a dating rookie.

I hate the games...girl meets boy, boy and girl flirt, girl and boy exchange numbers, girl hopes boy will call, girl obsessively checks phone, text, email...And when boy finally calls, girl doesn't say what she wants to say, she says what boy wants to hear. And 99% of the time, boy is doing the same.

I don't do the games - I don't have the time, know-how or energy - and it may be my downfall or it could be my betterment. I am who I am - smart, honest, spastic, single-mom, great friend, bad cook, scorned but ready to trust again - and I know there is a perfect fit for me out there somewhere...

New attitude

I just realized something...when I was with Dusty and I would see happy couples, and I would get jealous. I would be angry because I didn't have that. I had someone that I had to bribe to take a photo with me. I was with someone who didn't know a thing about me. I was in love with someone who didn't love me back. I had to force myself to smile. But now, I can hear about, or read about, happy couples, and I smile. Not only for them, but for myself, because I have hope that it can happen to me.