Time

Where did the time go?  And I don't mean in the rhetorical sense.  I mean, really, where did the time go?!?!

I look at my daughter, and I don't know when she went from being a helpless newborn to the adorable four-year-old she is now.  I know she hit all the milestones - eating solid foods, sleeping through the night, walking, talking, potty training - but it all happened so fast.  I know everyone says this, but really - it was just yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital!!

And then there's me.  I'm less than a year away from age 30, and I feel like my life has flown by me.  Was my high school graduation really more than a decade ago?  I finished college 7 years ago?  in the last 6 years, I have seen marriage, divorce, motherhood, home ownership - twice, joy, heartache, a snakebite, fear, loneliness, anger, new friends, old friends, faith and love.  All in 6 years.  I hope the next 6 will be a bit calmer for me. 

My dear friend referred me to an article about divorce and age.  And the author says that when one goes through divorce, he/she doesn't just lose a spouse, but his/her dreams and plans are lost too.  So true.  By 30, I thought I'd have 2.5 kids, a picket fence, and be taller.  Boy, was I wrong!!  That's why I pray, truly pray, for my future husband.  The half-empty part of me wants to throw her hands up and accept her fate as a spinster, but the half-full part of me is confident that God is taking this time to mold and prepare a mate who is worthy of me.  And I for him.  And as much as I feel like I am running out of time, I will hold off on collecting cats and buying those moo-moos -- for now. 

Advice

Below is a list of repeated bits of advice that have begun to wear on my nerves (but no offense to those who give this advice):

1. Stop looking for love, and it will find you - This is my favorite one to hate. One day, am I just going to say, "to hell with love," and then Prince Charming is going to knock on my door?
   
   Of course there is always a part of me that dreams about finding Mr. Right. This doesn't mean that I'm desperately searching for someone. I'm not going to the bars every night, I haven't joined every online dating site there is.
   
   It means that I pray for love. I pray for my heart. I pray for my possible future husband's heart. And I pray that we will know, without a doubt, when we find each other. I was reminded yesterday of Ephesians 5: 22-33, which is a beautiful description of what marriage should be. And that's what I pray for.



2. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you - It boils down to self-esteem, which is admittedly a struggle for me at times. But, I think self-esteem ebbs and flows and is never ending.
   
   I am constantly trying to better myself, so this is an on-going process for me. Technically, I will never be completely satisfied with myself, but isn't this what keeps one motivated to be a better person? But, overall, I think I'm pretty awesome.
   


3. Everything happens for a reason - I will admit that I was once a firm believer in this phrase. I'm not so sure anymore. I believe some things happen for a reason, and sometimes, to quote Forrest Gump, "shit happens."
   
   Do I think God wanted my ex to have an affair? No. But, God gives us free-will and a brain. And my ex used his free will and brain to choose to cheat on me.
   
   And, through prayer, I chose to leave an unhealthy marriage. My thought is maybe God knew that my ex would never be faithful to me. That he was poison to me and he would always be an absent father to our daughter. And so He saved me from a lifetime of frustration and pain and freed me by giving me peace and comfort with my decision. And I am so thankful.
   


4. Your happiness does not depend on someone else - It doesn't, but I believe that my happiness would be enhanced with the right person.
   
   Companionship is one of our humanly needs. Like food, water and shelter. Take the movie Castaway, the main character created a friend out of a Wilson volleyball (I guess this is a Tom Hanks - themed post). And who didn't cry when Wilson was lost at sea?
   
   
   Obviously, I can make it on my own. I have essentially raised my daughter alone since she was born, I have lived on my own for more than two years, so I know I can make it alone. But, I am human, I am a woman, and I desire that adult interaction some days.
   
   It would be nice to come home and share my day with another adult. (However, it is quite adorable when Piper asks me "What did you do today?" at the dinner table.) When Piper is sick in the middle of the night, and I'm not sure what to do, it would be nice to have someone to consult.
   
   When the doctor office calls to remind me to get a follow-up ultrasound on my breast because of the "unknown mass" that was found a year ago (even though I told them that was my breast), and I avoid it like the plague because I'm scared of cancer that has been a wild tornado all around me, taking people left and right, I would like someone to hug me. I would like to have a Wilson in my life.
   


5. Get over it, and move on - The wounds that my ex left cut deep, and I doubt I will ever get over what he did.
   
   The pain his actions caused taught me some very tough lessons, but lessons I needed to learn. My divorce experience opened my eyes, made me stronger and keeps me grounded. After immersing myself into Momastery, she helped me realize that I am thankful I went through the pain I did, as horrific and terrible as it seemed at the time. For three reasons:
   
   1) If I felt indifference and apathy during my divorce, that would mean that I never really cared for my ex. It would mean that I spent 8 years with someone I didn't really love. It would mean that I had a child with someone I had no feelings for. I will never know his feelings on the matter, but I know now that those are his demons to fight, not mine.
   
   2) I am not quick to fall for someone. I am naive and lived a shelter life, so going through a divorce because of a cheating husband at the age of 27 was kind of a shock to me (and to my family). But, I learned the hard way not to believe everything everyone says. I have learned my worth, and I don't have to settle. My confidence has actually improved since the divorce.
   
   3) I learned I am not perfect. And that's OK. No one is. Hindsight is 20/20, and I can see that I wasn't perfect in my marriage (but I am no way justifying my cheating ex-husband.) But, I have learned the true meaning of "pick your battles," and "don't sweat the small stuff."
   
   I was talking to a friend about the imaginary (or maybe not so imaginary) list that most of us women have when it comes to qualities we want in a man. I told her that I don't think anyone will match my entire list, and she said, "no, but shoot for 90%."

On the other hand, here are some things I do like to hear:

1. "You're awesome"



2. "Your ex left you for her. What a dumbass."



3. "You're so much better off."



4. "You are going find someone so wonderful."



5. "Here's some wine."

Revelation

I cannot do everything.

It feels good to admit that.

I've tried, though. I have tried to do it all. But, I lost. Defeated. Like Bama beat LSU. Nearly 2 years after my life started over, and much trial and error, I am finally coming to grips with it all. I've settle into a house I can call my own. Piper and I finally have a routine. I am talking to God again. I am actually glad I'm not with my ex anymore. The dust is settling, and I am joyfully using my steam mop to clean away the remnants so my path will be clean and dust-free - just the way I like it. Though, I know there will be times that I may kick up the dirt, but nothing the Shark can't handle.

My friends Laurie (whom I want to be like when I grow up - she's talented, laid back and uses good grammar) and Paige (though briefly my legal "sister-in-law," she will always be a sister in my heart) introduced me to a new blog - Momastary. Sometimes people, things, events, or even blogs come into your life at God's precise moment. And so it is with this blog. It's real, encouraging and funny. Read it.

Child of God

I am a child of God. But how quickly I forget.

I love my daughter more than I ever thought possible. I have her best interest at heart. I want to protect her from all harm. When she hurts, I hurt. When I tell her, "trust me," I mean it. When I don't want her to eat candy for dinner, it's for her own good. And sometimes she just wants to sit in my lap while I hold her and comfort her.

So how is it, that I love my daughter so much, with my measly human heart, and I forget that my God loves me more than I can fathom?

Luke 18:17 (NIV)
"Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

The big picture

My prayer life has slacked lately - a lot - but I was gently reminded yesterday of God's plan. I believe that all of these experiences and events are pieces in a perfect puzzle.

I look back to six months prior to filing for divorce, and there were some things that happened that helped me prepare for the single lifestyle. A year ago, our house sold in 30 days - a blessing in this housing market. I found a rent house in perfect timing of moving out of the house my and my ex-husband bought together. And now, I was able to buy a house - on my own.

All of these examples are proof that He has a great plan for me. I have to keep reminding myself of that - that my God always protects me and provides for me. I'm not sure what the plan is, but I know it is a good one. He made it possible for me to leave an abusive relationship, He's given me the strength, confidence and means to raise my daughter on my own, and He reminds me everyday of everything I have. I am blessed.

The First Noel

Well, it was the first Christmas since my divorce, at least. It was a tough week. I shed some tears, had some anxiety and overall worried about the day. It would be the first year of many that involved switching houses and juggling different family functions. I can't help but think of that scene in Talladega Nights, when after finding out about their parents' divorce, the boys say "Yay! Two Christmases!"

I went to the Christmas Eve candlelight service at the church I grew up in, and it wasn't until about half-way through that I realized it was also the church I was married in. Cue the tears. Amidst my sorrow, I felt like I was suppose to be there. I sat next to my High School Sunday School teacher, and we briefly talked about my situation (i.e. divorce), and he reminded me that his first marriage didn't work out, but he "got lucky - no blessed- the second time." These words hung over my head all night. It was so reassuring to be reminded that I will be "blessed" with the perfect mate one day. I see how happy he and his wife are together and see how their daughters - I once babysat - have turned into beautiful, Christian young women. The peace I received from that conversation may have been the best Christmas present of the year, even better than my iPhone*!

Piper had a great Christmas, she received so many great gifts from all of her extended family. And most importantly, she was showered with love and hugs.






*I haven't had a new phone in 4 years, so I am more than excited about my iPhone!!

Good place

I almost feel like I am jinxing myself by saying that I am in a good place. But, I choose to embrace it and enjoy it. And it's not because I am dating anyone or I won the lottery or I found my affordable dream house. I am just in a good place because I am alive and doing well. I haven't forgotten the pain that my ex-husband caused. My wounds are still not completely healed, but I don't get so angry anymore. When I get in an argument with my ex, I am able to smile and brush it off, which is a great accomplishment for me.

However, my thoughts kept me up last night. Maybe it is the cooler weather and the Christmas atmosphere, but I realized I missed the idea of him. I thought about how when you're with someone for a certain amount of time, you become in-sync with him or her. When I was at a Christmas party on Saturday, I watched couples get their photos taken, and it was so cute to see how they posed so naturally. I remember having that with my ex; we could just snap into place right on cue. I remember that place on his chest where I could rest my head so comfortably. I remember how when I held his hand, it was like I was holding everything. Or how his hand fit perfectly on the small of my back. I believed everything about him was made for me and I for him.

Despite these thoughts, tears did not come, which is yet another significant step for me. Rather, I prayed for my future husband - that God not only mold his heart for mine, but He would also mold that spot on his chest where my head will fit perfectly. Oh, and I also prayed that God will put a neon sign on him that reads "To: Tricia; From: God."

There is a season

"What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God."
Ecclesiastes 3: 9-13 (New Living Translation)

Two steps back

I had a bad day yesterday. I wrote this blog entry in my head on my way to work this morning. Even as I type, I have a lump in my throat and my vision is blurry from the tears. I have tried not to be specific about my divorce on this blog, but I figured I don't have many readers, and plus this blog serves as a journal for me.

My now ex-husband left me more than seven months ago. Just up and left me and our daughter with no explanation. And then I found out about his infidelity. And it hurt. I understand why it is called a "broken heart." The first few weeks after finding out about Dusty, it felt like he reached in my chest, pulled my heart out and stomped on it right in front of me. There was an actual physical pain in my chest every time I thought about him, which was every waking moment. But, then I went into business mode and was able to pull myself together, sell my house, move, work all while taking care of my precious 2 year-old.

His decisions caused me to move me and my daughter out of our "home" that we built together. His choice has left me broken, confused, angry, hurt and relieved. I think back to all of my tears that fell on the alter of the church we went to. I had so many great friends and family pray for me, us, our marriage, our family. Why would our Heavenly Father allow this to happen? Before we even got engaged, Dusty and I prayed about it. We had sign after sign telling us it was suppose to happen. We had a long engagement, 20 months, and plenty of time to back out of it. But we didn't. We had a gorgeous wedding and vowed "for better or for worse" in front of God, family and friends. But, I realized this morning that all of my prayers, all of the prayers from my prayer-worriors were answered. God released me from a painful marriage.

I have known Dusty for 9 years now. We were together 8, married 4. He was my best friend. I let go of all of my defenses and completely trusted him. I gave him my heart and he became my second half. We created a beautiful daughter together. And then he betrayed me. I look at him now and I see a stranger. How will I ever trust someone again? His actions cut deeper than he realizes.

Every single logical cell in my body tells me that I don't want him. Every fiber of my being knows that our marriage was not good. But, my emotional side - not so much. Why would I want to give my heart to someone like that? It's because I truly loved him. And I don't regret a moment of loving him. I experienced what true love is, even it was brief, even if it hurt me. It is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all...

It may be a year, it may be five years, but I know I will look back on this time and be thankful.

Happy Easter

I love Easter. I love the colors, the candy, the overpriced baskets, the pretty dresses and most of all - the meaning for the day.

Wanna see some pictures?

New chapter

All of those who are reading this most likely know that I have been on an emotional roller-coaster for the past few months. Through prayer, family, friends and hope I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I changed the title to my blog to "How to eat an elephant" because that has been my motto as of late. The emotions and logistics of divorce can be overwhelming, but I just have to stop and remember that the best way to get through it is one step at a time. And breathing, that helps too.

"Bring the Rain"

"Bring the Rain"
by MercyMe

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Rainbow

During the last few months, I have found a renewed faith in God. Because when we are at our lowest, what else is there to lean on? The Lord. Two days before my birthday, I saw a beautiful rainbow in the sky. I felt confirmed, like things were going to turn around for me. Then I learned the truth the next day.


I was talking to a friend of mine about the rainbow sign, and she reminded me that it's not so much as a promise of good, but a covenant from God, "I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth." (Genesis 9:13). Although times are bad, He will never leave me. Just as He never left Noah.

40 days

It has been 40 days since my life has been turned upside down. I have been on an absolute roller coaster of emotions since then, and I am exhausted. But I heard an awesome sermon on Sunday morning that has changed my perspective. In a nutshell, we learned that we sometimes we go through spiritual "dry spells" in order to gain strength.

I find it ironic that it has been 40 days for me, and tomorrow is the start of Lent, which is 40 days.

I am sitting in the desert, but the Lord does not leave me thirsty nor hungry. And I will continue to pray during this "dry spell" of mine.

Prayers

I have mentioned this family before, and I feel led now to encourage my blog followers to lift this family up in prayer.

Perspective

Saturday, I decided to watch the movie My Sister's Keeper. I cried and cried - I cried loud sobs. I have never cried so much during a movie, not even The Notebook. And it was a fictional movie.

Then, yesterday, my sister-in-law, Paige, wrote a heart-breaking post about a real family fighting childhood cancer, Layla Grace. And I cried, again.

After I picked up Piper from day care yesterday, she started developing a rash. Quickly. It spread very rapidly and I could tell she was in pain. I was up with her until 3 a.m. while she tossed and turned. She whined and scratched and would just look at me with those eyes that say "why can't you do something?" But while I was awake with her, I couldn't help but think about and pray for all of those mothers who up with their children with cancer, who are million times sicker than my child.

I, of course, became paranoid. I Googled all sorts of rashes, and read all of the worst-case scenarios. I became so worried that I even called Piper's pediatrician's 24-hour hot line to make sure I didn't need to take her to the emergency room. The nurse said to give her some Benadryl and call in the morning and make an appointment.

So, I called her pediatrician's office first thing in the morning and made an appointment. I went to the appointment expecting to hear that it was a normal rash that will go away in a few days, but instead, Doctor scratches her head and says "I don't know what this is, let me call dermatology at Texas Children's Hospital."

Next, we load up and go the TCH to the dermatology department. After horrible traffic, confusing parking and endless paperwork, we go back to see the dermatologist. Two doctors and a nurse are in the room checking my daughter, and I am silently freaking out. After some consulting, they diagnose her with an extreme case of Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease, which sounds awful, but Piper's had a mild case of it before. Basically, HFMD is sores on the hands, feet and mouth (big surprise), but my over-achiever of a daughter has it all over her body. It is a viral, so there isn't much I can do, but treat the symptoms, and they send us on our way.

The love I have for my daughter is something words cannot do justice. I understand now why my mother was so protective of me, and still is. Everytime I was sick as a child, my mom would say "If I could be sick for you, I would." I find myself saying the same thing to my precious Piper. I would go to the ends of the earth for her happiness, health and safety.

There is no doubt that I am going through a tough time, and having a string of bad luck. I think I have cried everyday for the past month. But, I have a (mostly) healthy child, I can pay my bills, I have food to eat and a place to sleep. I still have strength. The Good Lord does not give us more than we can handle, and He equips us with the tools we need. I have learned that sometimes we are tested - stretched to the point of breaking. And we come out on the other side, wiser, tougher and more faithful. I know I will look back on this time in my life and be thankful. Thankful for the lessons learned, unanswered prayers and the faith I gained.

Silver Lining

When someone asks me what is a good quality about myself, I usually say it is that I can find the good in everything, the silver lining on the cloudiest of days.

I realize that my last post was a little tough. I wrote it at a low, and while I stand by what I said, I do regret causing anyone unnecessary worrying. However, the silver lining is God has used this situation to restore my faith in prayer. I have had many people pat on the back, give me a hug, offer prayers and even bring me soup, without even knowing exactly what I am going through. I pray for comfort and guidance, and God has spoken through so many friends of mine with righteous advice. The Good Lord has spoken to little ol' me? It really is amazing what our Heavenly Father can do, even in every day things.

I wish I had more good news to report, but I don't. My future is still uncertain, but as a dear friend reminded me, God writes our story.

Fight or Flight?

When confronted with stress, what do you do? Fight or flight? I am a flighter. Always have been. When a situation gets to tough, I take the easy way out. I quit dance when I was 6 because I got bored. In high school, I quit tennis because I didn't like all the time it took after school. By the time I got to college, I didn't join any clubs, sororities or anything else because I was afraid I would quit. Heck, even when I was in labor with Piper, I quit dilating at 6 cm. I think I was so afraid of the whole birthing process that my body sensed it and gave up.

If I have a problem with someone or something, I avoid it. Very rarely do I confront things that are uncomfortable to me. And when I do, I get the cold sweats and my ears turn bright red because my blood pressure is rising to stroke-level numbers. My few but loyal followers probably know this about me just as well as I do. And, I have this very strange defense mechanism. If am worried about something or I don't want to face a problem, I'll start thinking about all sorts of other things. I'll balance my checkbook or decide what I am going to wear for the week. I'll start planning Piper's birthday party that's months away. I'll get obsessed over things I usually don't just to avoid what I need to face head-on.


But, recently I have been faced with a problem that I am fighting for. The Lord has instilled in me a frame of mind I have never had and has also given me strength I didn't know I was capable of. I am holding on with both hands, and I sometimes slip or I lose my grip, but I am hanging on.

Rejoicing through the storm

Saturday was Jon's memorial service in Angleton, and let me send you to Laurie's blog, who captured the day's events more beautifully than words can ever describe. The support from Angleton, Brazoria County and beyond was amazing.

Dusty and I were honored to be a part of the processional, led by the Brazoria County Calvery, and I was so touched by the support and respect that we received as we drove through Angleton. There were people on corners waving their American flags, I saw a man pulled over with his hat off as we passed, but the most outstanding moment is when we passed the little league football game. The referee stopped the game and all the players had their hands on their hearts as we passed, and there even some on one knee. It brings tears to my eyes everytime I think about it.

Then, in church on Sunday, Drew preached about rejoicing through the storm. How fitting. It was comforting and sad at the same time.

For the past two weeks, I have been reminded of a couple of things. First, that my life on earth is temporary and my real home is in heaven. I have heard this many, many times before, but I am just now truly understanding. Second, there is comfort in our Lord. I don't know why bad things happen or why there is so much suffering in the world, but I know I serve a God who "gives and takes away."

Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.
Matthew 6:19-20

Reflections

With the recent untimely passing of our dear friend, Jon, my thoughts and emotions have been racing. First, Jon was my husband's best friend - I never really spoke to him apart from when I was with Dusty, though I have known him for more than eight years and I considered him a brother-in-law. He joined the Army right out of high school and has been away from us since 2002 with only occasional (and sometimes unannounced) visits, so the reality of his death hasn't really hit me. I keep ignoring it all and hiding my grief behind other things.

Second, I had a really hard decision to make last Friday, and that was to not go with Dusty to Tennessee for Jon's memorial service. (I made my decision as a mother - I thought the extremely long car ride with my still-getting-over-her-cold 18-month old would be tough.) Talking to Dusty after he had to go through probably the toughest thing in his life, broke my heart. It tore me up knowing I wasn't there for him in his time of need. I was sitting at home all weekend and I couldn't get Dusty off my mind. What he was feeling, his tears, his pain - and I was helpless.

Also, I am in need of some friends. Since becoming a wife and mother, friendships are something I have neglected. I have great sisters-in-law that serve as even better friends and my co-workers are like family, but aside from them, I don't really acquaint myself with many people outside of work and church. Dusty has a great bunch of guys that he can count on for anything, and I am jealous. I want a monthly "Ladies Night" where I can hang out with girls and do girly things like drink fruity mixed drinks and talk about what shoes go best with what outfit. I want a "Mommies Group" where I can be around other moms with the same worries and concerns as I. I want to remember and celebrate who I am.

Lastly, why does it take something so tragic for us to realize how much someone means to us? Or for us to recognize how precious life is? Why can't everyday be a chance for us to tell our family and friends how special they are? Why wait for a special occasion to put that cute outfit on my daughter? Jon lived everyday he was on this earth to its fulliest, and I am trying to be more like that. Because in the grand scheme of things, is it going to matter if Piper gets a stain on one of her shirts? Does it matter if that load of laundry gets put away right away? No, it matters more that she had a blast eating that cherry-flavored snocone and that I was able to watch her dance and sing along to the Spongebob Squarepants theme song.