Like a movie

I feel like there is a script written for my life and I have missed every cue. Does my life have a one year plan? Two years? Ten years? How long will it be before everything is back to normal? If this was a 90-minute romantic comedy, Kate Hudson's character (because that's who I want to play me) would have gone through a terrible divorce or break up, and then there would be the movie montage set to a top-40 song where she would be hanging out with friends, cooking for one and other different "single" milestones. After discovering how wonderful she is being single, she would meet the charming stranger, or my favorite, realizing her guy friend was the right one all along. Of course this character would be played by Josh Duhamel. They would fall madly in love and the movie would end with a romantic kiss.

But, my life isn't a cheesy romantic comedy. It's more of a boring documentary, and Morgan Freeman isn't even the voice-over. My wounds are still fresh, and honestly, I don't know how to heal them. I pray that I could let go of my ex-husband - of his memory, they way things were, etc, but I haven't yet. There have been times when my heart almost catches up to my head, but then something happens to pull my heart back to the pain.

Honestly, I feel like if I could find someone new, it would help heal the pain. But, I fear that it would only be a temporary fix. Once the band-aid falls off, the open wound would still be there. I guess I have to let the wound heal on its time. It's painful, and sometimes my ex-husband and his girlfriend like to rub salt in my wound, like tonight, but I just have to learn to keep the wound clean and let it heal in due time. And once it's healed, I will be complete again, but not without a scar.

For those who are reading this, I want to ask to pray for me. I have been a fog since the start of my divorce. My head and heart hurt. Sometimes I over think my life, situation and every decision I have made to the point of dizziness. What I pray for, and ask the same of you, is for complete healing. I want to scream out "Why, God? Why would you want any of your children to suffer? Why must I go through this?" I know it seems kind of selfish and petty, considering all of the suffering in the world, but it's what I think.

I like to tell myself that I will look back on this time in a couple of years, hopefully, and be thankful for these hard times, because I wouldn't be where I am without enduring this period of my life. But I fear that it won't be like that. I also pray for the right man to come my way. I pray that his heart will be molded to fit mine, that I will be able to let go of my baggage so I can enter a new relationship with a fresh start. I want him to understand my insecurities and not run when he learns I have a daughter. I pray that he will respect me and be my best friend.

I wish to stop talking to my ex and realize there is nothing that can change the past. Did you know that I never had second thoughts about marrying Dusty? I think I knew from the first day I was with him that it was going to be forever. Sometimes I am still so shocked that he was able to hurt me the way he did, but it has taught me a lot for the next time. I want to focus on the present. I don't want to fret over the past or worry about the future.