1. Denial - This is always the hardest for me - both in my divorce and when I have lost people close to me. The fog that I experience is hard to describe. There have been countless times I thought that my reality was actually a dream. Or maybe I just thought if I prayed enough, it would all just be a bad dream.
2. Anger - I do not like feeling angry. I have learned, though, feeling angry is not wrong, it's how you choose to react to your anger that matters. And I'll have to admit that I do not always handle anger well. But maybe if I could get angry enough, I can change what has happened.
3. Bargaining - I never really stay at bargaining for long. I have pleaded and begged, but to no avail. And there were times that I thought if I gave in on certain things, we could work things out.
4. Depression - Oh, depression. Is that what caused me to lose 15 pounds in 2 months? Is depression the reason behind all the tears I have cried, more tears than I think I could count in a lifetime? Is depression the one that has punched a hole through my chest?
5. Acceptance - Do we really accept tragedies in our lives? Do any of us really get over losing a loved one? Divorce? Will I really be OK with my life changing forever? Everything I have ever known has been pulled out from under me. Will I ever ACCEPT that? Or will I just learn to deal with it - one day at a time? If I do accept what has happened, will I feel whole again?
I have noticed that these stages are not in any specific order, nor do you never return to one. I have experienced all of these at different points and numerous times for a while now. And that's OK. I have learned that my feelings are OK. Life isn't always black and white. What I feel isn't right or wrong, it's how I feel. Why do I like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? I don't know, but it's not right or wrong, it's just what I like.
Maybe pouring my psycho-analysis on my blog is wrong. Maybe it's right. Maybe it's what is best for me.
I think you're doing exactly what YOU need to do, which is what's going to help you heal more quickly and more completely. And as far as acceptance of losing someone, whatever way they may be taken from us -- it's been 7 years since I lost my sister too soon, and I think I'm beginning to accept that she's really gone. I don't like it and I never will, but I've finally moved from the day-to-day struggle and started to become mostly whole again. It will happen for you, too.
ReplyDeleteLove you, dear.
You are doing what right's for you and Piper and listening to your heart and God's voice. I can't imagine what you are going through...but I know that God will heal all things broken and that time helps that along.
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